Okay, so back before I got married I wrote a post about a little thing we’re going to call Twister, and if you didn’t read my blog back in those days, you’ll want to follow the link to catch up.
{If you’re related to me, I’d highly recommend that you stop reading now. Really. Really. I’m about to talk about doing the hibbidy jibbidy. In fact, I’m going to believe with 100% faith that you will stop reading now so that I don’t feel weird writing the rest of this post.}
As I said in that post, my husband and I don’t have the same dedication to playing Twister. Well, that’s not right. To be more accurate, it’s less about the desire and more about the frequency with which we want to practice. My husband wants to be a pro-level (if not actual professional) Twister player – and is perfectly willing to practice the game as much as this would require — while I’m happy to practice when the mood arises, without an actual daily practice schedule.
Are you with me so far?
This causes tension in our relationship. He sometimes feels rejected and I sometimes feel pressured. When I am on the ball (*snicker*) and try to keep us practicing daily, he is quite the happy camper, er, player. When I am not, we quickly deteriorate into not making eye contact, passive aggressive hinting (him) and guilty excuses (me).
So I think about this Twister thing a lot. I will admit that I’ve never been a very dedicated Twister player, something I tend to attribute to chemical levels and birth control hormones, but the other day something else occurred to me as well: I can’t get my mind to shut off.
My mind is always on. I think verbally (how do you think, by the way?) which means I have a constant stream of words going through my head. Ask me what’s on my mind and all I have to do is let my thoughts come out of my mouth. If I’m not actively thinking, I have songs running in loops. When I’m lucky, they’re appropriately paced for what I happen to be doing. When I’m not, they’re Beyonce or Miley Cyrus and it’s two in the morning and I want to shoot myself to make it stop. Okay, not really, but close. I found myself frantically trying to recall the theme to The West Wing – the only classic-ish song I know well enough to conjure at 2 am – to get Miss Miley out of my head! {Seriously, we should do studies on why those particular songs get stuck in our heads and use our findings in warfare.}
My husband thinks of Twister as a fantastic way to turn his mind off. Hormones crest, blood moves around, and he gets a respite from his thoughts. Me, not so much. In the blink of an eye I go from enjoying the game to remembering I forgot to put the Netflix movie in the mailbox. And it’s not that I’m not paying attention to the game! Follow me: ooh, that feels good; oops, kicked the cat; that felt like a fake sheepskin; just like the nasty outfits on that movie we just watched (Dragnet); oops, forgot to put the movie in the mailbox; must remember to do that tomorrow; hey, wait a second!
And then I try to pull my mind back to the task at hand. My frustration at this distraction has turned into my liking the game a little less and that’s not cool. It’s like enjoying the movies but remembering that the last time you went you were constantly distracted by your mate’s incessant chatting (that mate would be me, yes). You like the movie experience and you love your mate, but put them together and you anticipate the frustration of the distraction.
I like my husband to be happy and good or bad, a quick game of Twister is the most effective way to lower his stress level. And, most of the time, if I can get past the mental distractions, I have a pretty darned good time, too, don’t worry… but the frustration still remains.
I wonder if there’s a correlation between a person’s mental response to anticipation of playing Twister and their desire for more practice? I have to believe there is, but I can’t do a proper web search on my work laptop without, you know, getting fired for the crazy websites that will pop up.
The ultimate irony is when I suggest a game and he turns me down because he doesn’t feel like it. WTF! I can’t help but laugh. Surely I’m not the only one with a mate who has different expectations on Twister. Do you?
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A good friend of mine from my Weddingbee days is doing freelance work, and if her blog is any evidence, it’s pretty great. Check out her skills, and pass the word if you can!
twister in my house is all screwed up. i'm the one with the pro-level interest. okay, to be fair, we both used to have a pro-level interest in twister, but somehow the stress of planning a wedding and buying a house zapped the hubs desire. the back and forth arguments about twister drove us to therapy. might seem extreme to some couples, but to me it was necessary. for me the health of the twister game is indicative of the health of the relationship. it's a metric; of course it's not the only one, but it's an important one to me. this is probably the hardest part of being married, finding an acceptable compromise with our twister game. with our 1 year anniversary this weekend, i'm hoping for a tournament. p.s. yep, if i solely initiate game play i too get turned down. wtf is the deal with that? i still want an explanation.
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I totally get you with the mind not shutting off. Unless I'm completely relaxed and/or we do plenty of "stretching" before Twister, my mind keeps going and going and going…He definitely aspires to be pro, while I'm happy with semi-pro. Generally though, we are on the same page when it comes to playing Twister. I haven't got turned down yet when I initiate but we are generally on the same wave-length.
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yup, my husband would like to be pro and i am happy with semi-pro as well. last month, however, we initiated our first ever twister week – no matter what, we were going to play every day.it was exhausting (lol) but it definitely improved things overall and got us back on the same page. we both found that we slept better by the end of the week, and it made twister exciting again, like when we first started playing.so, i recommend a twister week to everyone if you can try it.
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OK, I have followed you from Weddingbee because I love how you write and how you tend to leave me thinking every time I read any of your posts! I have never mada a comment but with this "Twister" issue I just had to:Your entire post was describing me!My mind can't shut off, I relate everything to everything (like somehow your thoughts started with the cat and ended up with the Netflix movie). I completely get what you're describing and I am just so excited to know I am not a freak who can't concentrate right away when Twister starts. I am right now going through the whole "blaming the birth control pills" for the lack of interest in Twister. Another thing that bothers me is that a lot of couples we know sometimes make comments (joking- but for real) on how she can't get her hands off of him and how she is always in the mood! We are all on the same age range so why are they playing more than me? I will be looking forward to the responses you receive because I want to know how I can improve this and increase the number of times we play Twister around the house.
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Stacey – you got me thinking… and I don't have a "theme" for October… hmmmmm.
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I can fully relate. The desire to play Twister at our house is a little out of sorts as well. I am also REALLY easily distracted, and frequently find myself having to push myself back into the moment. However, thinking, "Stop thinking about that and get back in the game!" doesn't really help all the time.I do know that once I get started, I generally enjoy it though, so I told my fiance that if he was honestly interested and it was a good time (I.E. NOT when he is rolling out of bed at 8:00 am and I'm dressed and heading out the door to work), that I would always participate. Strangely enough, since I started that policy, he hasn't taken me up on it! We've both been pretty stressed lately, and he was sick for a while, so we'll see if he takes me up on it soon.I'm like you though, the longer we've gone without, the more guilty I feel and the more pressure I put on myself to do something about it. Of course the pressure doesn't exactly make me feel super sexy, so it doesn't really help matters. Then he'll start making the little comments, and the baddness just feeds on itself. I'm still trying to figure out a way that we can talk about it all as adults and not feel bad about it. We can talk about all of our other needs like adults, why can't we do this one?It seems like everyone prepares you for all of the other issues in marriage, people warn you about the money, kids stuff and other issues, but no one really wants to talk about Twister.
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@Staceyi have suggested twister week. i think it's a great way to reset the game play. the first time i suggested it i was met with a lukewarm reaction. i think i'll try again. @marisai smell an october challenge not related to pumpkins or halloween candy induced sugar comas…
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@marisaa twisting theme for October would no doubt be at the very top of my to-follow list…And I'm going to suggest to the husband that we have a twister week…and suggest that every time twister happens, it be new and different!
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Okay, I'm considering a Twister-related thing for October, but I need a week to work through the details.Here's why:- I've done a Twister-a-day thing before, and it was all well and good for him, but made it worse for me because his expectations got reset to VERY high ones. Then instead of grumpiness if we hadn't played in a few days, it was (literally) 12 hours. So, that's one thing.- I try to focus on my own behaviors, and one I think I need to do differently relates to whether or not I insist on stretching before the game. Enough stretching, ifyaknowwhatImean. I'm so wanting to get the whole darned thing over with that I'm all too willing to jump right on (er, in… *snicker*).- A month might be overkill, but a few weeks is probably good.As of right now, next week is Money Week on NQBC and I'm pretty excited about dealing with that elephant, so I'll get my thoughts in order to launch a Twister-related initiative the week after.In the meantime, please, give suggestions here in the comments, on all of the concerns I mentioned above and on whether or not to tell your spouse!
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Ah, Twister. It and money must the #1 and #2 source of fights in all marriages. We have the same issue – I like to play, but he wants to play much more often. The worst is when he plays the emotional blackmail with me and says things like, "I feel closer to you when we do it more often and when we don't, I feel myself distancing emotionally." WTF? I thought only women could play that game!My mind is always on, too. I once made an entire grocery list in my head while playing Twister. Sad, huh? And it my husband is very good at it, but I was more interested in getting things done.The biggest fight we ever got into was recently when I had a miscarriage and couldn't play Twister. I bled for 16 days (sorry if that is TMI) and towards the end he was pushing me and getting annoyed. It was also the emotional part of it for me. Of course, his answer was, "If your 'Twister player' is closed right now, you can still do something else for me…." But that's a whole other post!!
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I have the same 'brain won't shut off' issue. On our list is to buy one of the those iPod alarm clock things for the bedroom. Then we can make a twister playlist (motown love songs. kidding). If the room weren't so silent I think my mind would be less likely to wander.I don't know if this will work – but I'm going to try it!Every night does seem intense. We're shooting to play every other day in Oct.
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Wow, I COMPLETELY identify. My mind also will not shut off (I'm curious if this is more common for females than males? I suspect it is). And I also have a constant running commentary in my head – I think in sentences, paragraphs, etc. I used to think I was kind of crazy for doing this; now I know I'm not the only one. I love this post for that reason, but I don't have any ideas for helping. :/
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I've been benched from play for the last 4 months. On the injured list, as it were. A few days here or there isn't life-altering, but "play or no play" really does affect a marriage in fundamental ways. I see it as a medical issue no different from a broken leg; he sees it as a fundamental rejection of himself as both husband and man. I'm actually considering therapy (maybe even, gasp!, a Twister Therapist) to make sure we make it through this OK.
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HI, followed you over from WB, and love you so much….I am getting caught up on your posts. I just sent the following to some of my friends–we've all been married over 25 years, and have all been through this…have a great Sunday….Kathy"No long-term marriage is made easily, and there have been times when I've been so angry or so hurt that I thought my love would never recover. And then, in the midst of near despair, something has happened beneath the surface. A bright little flashing fish of hope has flicked silver fins and the water is bright and suddenly I am returned to a state of love again — till next time. I've learned that there will always be a next time, and that I will submerge in darkness and misery, but that I won't stay submerged. And each time something has been learned under the waters; something has been gained; and a new kind of love has grown. The best I can ask for is that this love, which has been built on countless failures, will continue to grow. I can say no more than that this is mystery, and gift, and that somehow or other, through grace, our failures can be redeemed and blessed." — Madeleine L'Engle
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I'm with ya on the "mind won't stop running thing". Sometimes it helps to mentally tell myself to focus on whats going on in the moment. To focus on my five senses; sight, sound, etc. I also think it's funny that dudes have to keep OTHER things going through their heads so they don't end the game early. AND, we've had the twister talk in our relationship a lot. I like a weekend twister, a morning twister, and some random Tuesday night twister. Not always, not in a routine every week. But DJ is programmed that Friday and Saturday nights mean twister. You go out for dinner, have a drink, play twister. Tuesday night twister? That requires going to bed by 9:30pm because GOD FORBID he get too tired.
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