High on the list of things I never thought I’d do: I sometimes dress a certain way because my husband likes it. When Jenna mentioned that she and her husband have veto power over each other’s clothing, it was taken as evidence that he was controlling. We’ll see if my readers respond similarly.
In preparation for lunch with my beloved and his peeps today, I wore something I knew he’d appreciate: a black t-shirt with semi-tight jeans tucked into my Uggs. And my hair’s in a ponytail, a concession I make when I don’t feel like washing and drying my hair but still want my hubby to think I’m hot.
I’ve been thinking about this for days, since I first tucked my jeans into my boots, in fact. See, I think jeans tucked into boots is just a little tiny bit teeny-bopper. I am so far from that age that I’m slightly embarrassed to do anything that hints of teeny-bopper lest random people roll their eyes at me. But my husband remarked casually (well, he thought he was being casual) about how all the girls at the dog park had their jeans tucked into their boots.
Me: “Hmmm. How interesting!” <amused at his attempts to be casual while checking out girls>
Him: “Yea, I know. Don’t you think that’s interesting?” <staring>
Me: “Yes, very interesting.” <arching an eyebrow>
Him: “Oh. I mean, you’re the hottest girl here. Your butt is way better than hers. Or hers. Or…” <notices that both of my eyebrows are arched now and shuts up>
So the next time I wore tuckable jeans, I went ahead and tucked them in. He was very happy. Ridiculously happy. The kind of happy I get at silly little things he does that make me feel good, like when he comes up behind me and gives me a hug for no reason (and it doesn’t end in a dirty innuendo, which is rare).
And then I wondered, where does this fit into my personal view of independence and partnership? The popular answer is that only I should get to decide what I wear and look like. The problem with this view is that he has to look at me, right?
And he doesn’t mind looking at me in my old jeans and comfy sweatshirts just like I don’t mind looking at him in the ugly retro shoes he loves. But I do love to see him in this outfit.
{Yes, he was posing. He does that when faced with a camera. Or mirror. Or when I tell him he looks handsome.}
He looks exactly like I like a man to look: rugged and handsome and sweet and casual. So I tell him that every time and when he’s trying to make me happy, he wears this.
It seems fair, then, that when I’m trying to make him happy, I put my hair in a ponytail and tuck my jeans into my boots. It’s not any different than dressing a certain way to go on a date, right? I would rather have him looking at me than at some girls at a dog park, this I know for sure.
And yet, the little voice in the back of my head ponders the appropriateness of letting my hair grow out, wearing a certain shirt, or tucking my jeans into my boots just because my man likes it. The part of me that thinks I should be in control of my life (I am woman!) is fighting it out with the part of me that’s learning to be a partner.
Barring a good reason not to (even a little discomfort in my gut), I’ll keep adapting my attire sometimes to make my husband happy. How I dress isn’t terribly important to me (this is obvious if you see what I wear out in public) so I’m more than willing to tweak a bit.
Thoughts?
i think there is a huge difference between dressing for your dude and wearing things he likes. dressing specifically for "your man" indicates to me that "your man" dictates what is or is not in your closet. i see wearing things he likes (i.e. the jeans tucked into uggs) if you own them already or you like them as a small way to show your dude that you value his opinion. i actually ask my hubs for fashion advice, despite that fact that he still owns a d generation s*ck it shirt (exactly how it's printed on the shirt). this is partly because we don't have any full length mirrors in the house and partly because i am his other half. my image reflects on him. if i leave the house sloppy or looking weird, that doesn't make him look good. likewise, i ensure he leaves the house (most days) fairly unwrinkled and color coordinated. i do all my husband's shopping. he wouldn't have clothes if it wasn't for me, not that i make him my ken doll. i buy him shirts and pants i think he will like (that i, of course, like) but give him full veto power over the purchases. if he doesn't like something, back it goes.the down side to doing his shopping is that now we leave the house at least once a week wearing exactly the same thing. it's creepy.
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Amanda – yes, that's probably true. He doesn't "decide what I wear" in that he picks and chooses everything I GET to wear, but I know what he likes.I buy him clothes, too, but it's almost often a complete FAIL. He thinks what I buy him is too… we'll call it urban. I call it having style. He calls it something else.But, like your husband, if I didn't actually drive him to the store and insist that we won't leave until he has three shirts and four bottoms (pants, shorts, whatever), he'd be wearing whatever his mom gave him last year for Xmas.That backfired once. He left, happy as a clam, with pajama shorts… which he wore all day, most days, on our honeymoon. Pinstriped seersucker pajama shorts.
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Lurker here, finally commenting (though I commented on your bee posts a couple times) … I think about this a lot too, but I've decided it's a simple fact of life that sometimes, a girl needs to dress up for someone. Remember school days when you'd be so excited to wear your new outfit to impress whatever 12-year-old boy you may have had a crush on? It's petty, it's immature, it may be a sign of insecurity, but whatever. Sometimes, it's nice to just feel pretty and know you're making someone happy. I don't buy clothes with my husband in mind, but I will sometimes find outfits in my closet that I know he likes because it's fun to know I am being ogled. I know he thinks I'm cute when I'm wearing my grungiest clothes, and that's awesome, but I don't necessarily feel as cute when I'm wearing those things. Silly confidence-boosters are just that — silly — but needed in life every once in a while, I think!
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oh jay won't even go to the mall to try on clothes unless i trick him into it. pants, shirts, socks and boxer briefs just appear, meaning i take the time to do the shopping and he then has new clothes. ta da!a few weeks ago he split 2 pair of pants in 2 days and wasn't apologetic about it. i was near swearing off buying him clothes for good, then i realized he would wear ratty polo shirts and faded dickies pants to work and also be happy as a clam. no bueno. i've never been accused of trying to make jay "urban", but i have been accused of making him look gay. i think we're at a draw.
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Amanda – I was using "urban" as a stand-in for "gay." The sweater was a little too snug, he said. It was just, "not right." I know, I know, how horrible of me to buy him a sweater with stripes on it. Egads!Never mind the really cool boxer briefs I paid too much for. I really liked them. He said he felt like he was dressing up to go stripping. "For heaven's sakes," I replied, "they're Nautica!"Nope.
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That seems like an equal trade off to me. We have these trade offs in both what we like to see each other in. I hated one of his coats, he hates one of mine, we both decided not to wear either of them. We also started doing this with habits that annoy us. I hated that he left his toothbrush on the side of the sink where it gets splashed by everyone that washes their hands and not put it in the holder on the higher shelf and he hated that I leave really small amounts of water in the filter jug and not fill it up. We traded stopping both habits and it worked! Trying to make your partner happy because you want to rather than trying to make your partner happy because they demand it are too very different things.
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I don't think dressing in a way you know your SO likes is bad at all (whether you know he likes it because he says something or because the way he looks at you makes it so obvious anyway). I'm not married and I think doing that for your spouse is just like what you would do for a boyfriend. You want to be attractive to them so you put effort into it. It actually takes less effort if you know from the start what they like. That doesn't have to disappear when you get married – in fact I think it is critical that it doesn't. There is soooo much ground to cover from "I'll dress like this because I know you like it" to "Controlling and possibly abusive."
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I do it. I definitely dress in ways he likes – especially if we're going somewhere where he might like to 'show me off' a little. heh. I see no problems with it. He appreciates when I tell him which shirts or pants or jackets look best on him too. It's nice to have a second opinion. And, I tuck jeans in to boots too sometimes, and I'm definitely no teen.
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I have a problem with this, too. We have very different tastes–he's all business and I'm more casual (because, like you, I work at home most days). So we often don't look like we "go together." I'll be in jeans and a t-shirt and he's in slacks and a button-down. Then when we try to dress to impress the other, we've swapped levels of dressiness. Sigh… I think this–along with several other aspects of marriage–disrupt my independence and steer me in the direction of resentful. I've been working on it, though. I think you have to give up some independence to make a partnership work.
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From a guy's point of view, most of us are perfectly willing to dress/"urban" it up a bit if it doesn't take too much effort and makes our significant other happy. My ex used to really like a blue polo shirt, black sweater with the polo collar slightly above the sweater with slacks/nice jeans combo, or other similar getups that deviated from my usual t-shirt/jeans/cap routine. I had no problem wearing this if we were going out or doing something interesting even though I have an aversion to preppy. However, If she would have "required" me to wear that type of outfit all the time or tried to pressure me into it, forget it. Conversely, I loved the way she looked when we were just hanging around the house in pj's and what not, but it was nice when she would do a little bit more sometimes. I don't think this is being shallow, but maybe you'll disagree.And I also don't like this idea that once you're with somebody you're allowed to suddenly be a slob. I know most of us have fallen into this, but it makes all of the posturing and dressing up before things became serious seem vapid and fake. If when I met you and we were first spending time together you dressed/looked a certain way but now you choose to only wear pajamas and not care, that's fair? And vice-versa? The honest truth is that one of the things that attracts somebody to somebody else initially is how they look/dress, and I have many friends that have had failed relationships due to both of the people letting themselves go and then not finding each other attractive anymore (which, in my opinion, isn't shallow, just honest).On a side note, I like it when a girl tells me what she thinks looks good on me. It makes my job much, much easier.
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P.S. My bro-in-law does look pretty darned rugged in that pic. And the jeans in uggs thing is perfectly fine until you hit 40 in most cities. The fashionable women here in dc and in ny still do it. It also protects their jeans from the sludge (stylish yet practical
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I say once in awhile dressing a certain way for your man is great. Actually, its a way to show him love in a way. (I've been reading the 5 love languages.) He obviously appreciates it and it simple way to make him happy without degrading yourself or doing something against your values. I mean, I wear lingerie on (rare) occassions not because I LOVE it, but because he thinks its a hoot. Yes, it makes me feel sexy but it makes me feel just as silly, but my man, he thinks there is not a silly thing about it! Its a harmless way to express love. Its a harmless way to show him I am listening and care what he thinks. He tells me I'm beautiful when I am in my sweats for the third day in a row but the expression on his face when I wear his favorite outfit. Once I even let him pick what I wore out on a date-the results were hilarious-but I didnt balk and put on the outfit and went out and had a fabulous night.
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I prefer not to overthink it. I feel like, if in your gut, you feel like you're compromising yourself, then don't do it. If you feel like it's a nice little thing to do and no harm no foul, then go ahead. So, for example, I know a girl whose husband insists on sexy all the time. So she can't (can't!) wear regular sweatpants, she has to sex it up in Juicy Couture or whatever. I think that's bad. I think that's the extreme of what you're worrying about.I don't think tucking your jeans into your boots is selling out at all. Carry on! (Unless you don't. The point is, you have a choice. As long as you have a choice, it's all good.)
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Hmmmmm. I have a lot of mixed feelings about this. I totally agree with the concept that you should care about your appearance and that you should consider what your spouse likes, but I'm also having flashes back to your post during your trip where you were darning the pants and talking about dressing for the future. How you present yourself is about personal empowerment, and it's part of the impression you give the world. It also impacts my mood, big time. I dress first of all for myself. I know I look presentable and put together, and, dare I say, attractive. I like to look this way for me. Some days I just want to be comfy and wear less (or perhaps no!) make-up, but not most.My husband dresses for function. Sometimes I really dislike what he wears. He doesn't coordinate well and he doesn't have great style and he doesn't like to shop. My absolute nightmare is shopping for him or with him, and I would never, ever, bother trying to convince him to dress more urban. Possibly because I'm not attracted to men with style though, just men with mild coordination. Lately, he's started caring more about it though, and I have been giving him encouragement, and my opinion, when asked for it. When I think he looks hot, I tell him so, and vice versa. Finally, what do you do when you think you look smokin hot in something and your husband goes "that looks kind of like an apron….."??? I don't ask for feedback on things I'm certain I love, on the off-chance I end up with comments such as this (which was his reaction to my rehearsal dinner dress for our wedding. sigh).
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I don't think you lose your Indipendent Woman membership card for dressing in a way that you know your SO finds appealing. The fact that it's a choice makes it ok from an indipendence point of view. That's a relationship – you choose to compromise to make each other happy.Suggestion – maybe if you get some sassier boots you'll be more into the look? Leather knee high heels?
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i'm just glad you meant gay with urban. i was thinking otherwise with urban and i can't imagine your dude in rocawear. no offense, but as the wife of a goofy white dude, i know he would veto that sort of urban look as it would look ridiculous on him. his high school era wwf t-shirts are bad enough. or is it nwo? i don't know.
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I'm agreeing with most people – I dress in certain things on occasion because I know he likes them. Going out on a date? I'm getting his opinion on what dress he'd like to see me in. Going to Home Depot? I'm wearing what I choose. We hold each other to minimum standards – no sweats or pjs in public, no 80s redux, nothing, in short, that would make one embarrassed to be seen with the other. The one concession I'm making against my will is keeping my hair long – I believe him when he says I look beautiful, eve though I long for the convenience of short hair. In turn, he keeps his beard in summer for me. There's no right or wrong answer to this, except for the obvious "he can't dress you every day". I don't think you're being submissive or whatever. You're showing him he matters.
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I don't think anyone should ever have to apologize or feel bad for wanting to look good, even if you want to do so for your man. I want to look good for myself, first and foremost, but I love knowing that Josh thinks I look hot/sexy/cute, etc. A few years ago the man CRIED when I came out wearing my dress for New Year's Eve. I *love* getting that reaction from him. However, I looked in the mirror before he saw me and thought "Damn I look gooood tonight." Therefore, I was also dressing for myself because *I* like looking good. I wear make up daily because *I* like it and it makes me feel good. Doing it for Josh is almost secondary. Does that make sense? But whoever I'm dressing "for", I just know that I like looking my best. I think MrsGilmore hit the nail on the head when she wrote about how the one person can make the other look bad. I'd like both of us to look equally great or equally shitty, depending on what we're doing. So I say rock those tucked in jeans and ponytail!
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Funny….I told mt husband about Jenna's post last night and we talked about it.What we came to was that it is ok to dress for each other…its ok for me to say what I like or don't like…but it isn't ok to say that he can't wear something. But wearing something that you know your honey likes it totally ok…maybe even a good thing. I know that my husband is a boob man and though I don't do around rock'in cleavage…I will make a point of picking out one of my more "booby" shirts when we are going out. It makes him happy and they way he looks at me makes me feel hot. So it's a win win
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i dress for my husband on occasion… i tend to think, i have to wear clothes anyway, and i don't care thaat much what i wear, so why not pick something he likes.in general, we ask each other what to wear if it's the other person's occasion – so when we meet with his coworkers, i ask him what i should wear, and when he met my best friends from home, he asked me what to wear, etc. i make sure his clothes aren't too ratty, and he makes sure mine aren't too short (i'm rather tall).our one issue with clothes is that i LOVE heels on occasion. for a big day at work or a night out, i loove a good pair of heels. however, my husband is two inches shorter than i am, and pretty self conscious about it… so i compromise. i wear them to work, but if i meet him for dinner i'll change to flats. i'll wear them sometimes when we go out, but not all the time. that's probably the only time i won't choose something to wear because of my husband. ultimately, i'd rather enjoy a good date in flats than have an embarrassed husband and heels.
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Dressing for my husband makes me feel good. I'm a jeans and tshirt girl. He takes care to pick something he knows I like when we are going somewhere together. I'll wear things I know he likes, I'll put makeup on, be more sparkly because it makes him happy. And it feeds the happy in our relationship. (Which we desperately need sometimes!)
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Obviously I don't convey myself well as I think if I have done as well as you have here in conveying the point I might not have been attacked the way I was.
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My boyfriend will not allow me to wear boots with skinny jeans, or even high heels…this is not going to work out well.
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I think he wants me to dress like a grandma…my wardrobe is suffering due to his control…no leggings allowed out of the house, even with a long shirt
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