When I was asked last week how I felt about my new job, I said with great sincerity, “I love it and hate it in equal measure.” That’s how I know it’s right for me. I’m equally exhilarated and terrified, excited and worried, interested and wanting to hide under my desk.
I was so struck by the comment, in fact, that when I interviewed a couple of people for an old buddy of mine, I said to them, “I completely understand why you’re excited about this gig, but can you tell me why you’re worried?” The guy who said he wasn’t? Not my guy. How can you be sure you’re in the right place if you haven’t examined the reasons you shouldn’t be?
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I think we’re ready to start talking about having kids.
Did you catch all of the qualifiers? “I think,” “we’re ready,” “start talking”? Not an accident, folks, not at all.
See, I’ve spent my entire adult life trying not to get pregnant. Hell, until very recently, I wouldn’t even talk about sex, much less turning that unmentionable into something so much bigger.
You know, like having a child.
Even the phrase “having a child” is a new one in my world. “Kid” I can handle. “Child?” Yowza.
My husband is blessedly laid back about the entire thing. In fact, early in our relationship when discussing birth control he mentioned that it wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing if we got pregnant; he’d always planned on having kids by then anyway and he knew he wanted to be with me. My response? A blank stare and empty brain.
So here we are almost three years later and I think I’m ready to start talking about having kids.
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Why is it so uncomfortable? Every time I bring it up to Joey, I feel silly and uncomfortable. Today I spent some time thinking about why.
I think it’s because for every Next Big Relationship Step before this one, we had to dance. Exclusivity? Considering Marriage? Living Together? Getting Married? These are topics you dance around, one person pretending it’s not important while the other gauges their level of interest. And let’s be honest, traditionally those Next Big Relationship Steps were taken by the man.
Hey, I said “traditionally.” I may or may not have been the instigator more than once… and the resulting fallout from my drama at his reticence was something I swore I’d never repeat. So I pause. I qualify. I wonder how to start nudging my career and our lives to accommodate a child.
Yet I still get tongue-tied when I try to bring up the subject with my husband. I’m reminded of our early engagement when I wanted so badly to lay around and talk about our wedding – and he just wasn’t interested.
I’m determined to learn the lessons I thought I learned from our engagement, and one was that if I’m not comfortable with the words, I need to stop before plowing forward. I couldn’t stand the word “fiancé,” found myself stuttering at “engaged,” couldn’t spit out “our wedding” until, um, just a few days before we got married.
So for now, I’m practicing the words in my head. I browse the child development aisles at the bookstore – and I don’t hide it from my husband, who frankly doesn’t care.
And for the first time ever, I thought about my own child. Not just a kid, but MY kid.
Exhilarated and terrified in equal measure. It’s a sign. (ha)
Anyone else feeling this way?
My husband and I feel like we're in a transitional period right now, too. Both exhilarating and terrifying – you hit that right on. In a matter of months we're going to have changes in two big parts of our lives – a new place to live and a new job for my husband.Both are potentially superawesome but it's a nice lesson in patience. A short term lesson in patience to balance out the more long term one we're learning as far as kids go. We're in the position where both of us are ready for a child but our short term goals have to happen first.The fact that they may not happen as we desire or have planned and that then may throw off having children longer is what worries me. This is a good sign for you though – you always seem to be able to understand yourself well when you work though things and connect all the dots. I noticed we started talking about kids when we both started expressing our opinions about names we heard (on tv, the radio, wherever). It was a lighthearted way to joke about a serious topic while still getting comfortable with the idea and feeling each other out.
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Right there with ya (or maybe slightly ahead). Off birth control. Started prenatal vitamins. What? Huh? Having children is something you think about for the future. Suddenly, future = extremely soon. Exciting and scary.Oh, and since it seems like your new job is involving more travel, I'd like to know your thoughts on that with having kids. I travel, too (although less lately).
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oops. sorry, double sent.
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Absolutely. I'm a planner. I like to schedule things, map things out, make contingency plans. This is why this particular period of transition and change is driving me batty. We've discussed getting married, we know we want to have children, and I know I want to do both within a specific period of time. Scares the pants off me.
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Right there with ya lady. But like Lindsay, we're learning a lesson of patience. We're both working on getting our jobs exactly where we want them, and I am starting to get comfortable with the idea of moving to a more kid friendly location – aka move out of the City- ekkk. All in good time, ideally we'd wait until the Mr. is done with his MBA, but as scared as I may be, I don't know if I am patient enough to wait another 1.5 years. Another, ekk.
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ha. whenever 'the idea of having kids' are mentioned (usually in a TV show) or like last night when we were in the Old Navy dressing room and could hear at least 3 very loud somewhat crazy kids or see a kid throwing a tantrum in public I say to my husband "Too late to second guess now – hope you're ready!" with a smile. As we have about 20 weeks until said 'kid' arrives
Even though I've ALWAYS dreamed about being a Mom, and OUR plan has been laid out since we got married 3 years ago, and we "TRIED" (not a 'if it happens' approach – but temp charting/this is the day type trying), and we've seen the baby on the little video screen (with a 'holy shit there is a baby in there' moment) – it still doesn't always feel real. It STILL shocks me that we're at this stage in life! CRAZY.I'm not really terrified – shocked yes – and SUPER excited.(Maybe somewhat terrified with the task of choosing a name that will represent our baby FOREVER)(Maybe somewhat terrified I'll be too controlling and not treat my husband with the utmost love & respect he'll deserve when it comes to parenting)I haven't really figured out what it means for my job/career/life. My plan is to just figure it out as it happens 
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I'm another one in the "getting ready" boat. Which is terrifying to me because I went so quickly from "I'm not sure I even want kids" to "Maybe by the end of the year we'll be trying." Eek! I've started reading up and taking vitamins. I'm a planner too and although *they* say you'll never really be ready, I'm sure as heck gonna try!
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I think a lot of women go through that weird shock after getting married in this age of birth control. It was so weird to me to realize that for the first time in my life it wouldn't be a huge scare if I were to get pregnant. We're still in the "enjoying being newlyweds" phase, but I look forward to the next step much more than I used to think I would.
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I'm working getting my husband and I on the same page….he's starting to think us trying to have a baby…and talking a little about it. I think he's more terrified than excited….and I'm more excited than terrified about the idea. Hopefully we'll get to where we are both equal parts excited and terrified at the same time.
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i feel positively psycho in my desire for a child. i never, ever, ever wanted kids. then i met jay and my entire world turned upside down. we talked about it january 2009, but haven't approached it since. the last 6 months i've been rabid to talk to him, but i always chicken out. i need to suck it up and be an adult, besides, the 2 maternity dresses i've purchased are non-returnable. yipe!
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Since the hubs and I both happened to bring the same unpopular choice to our relationship (a desire to very likely live a child free life permanently) we both put that choice on the table early on, knowing people have strong reactions to it. What was more difficult for us was broaching the topic of "unknowns". It was hard for me to ask my husband to accept that I might one day change my mind, since I am only 25, even though I am 90 per cent sure I will not. I needed to marry someone who could live with 10 per cent and that was pretty hard to dance around.
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