I crave routine, and yet, I completely hate following one.

I’m home for two weeks and feeling like I need a plan to stay productive and get through the days with something real accomplished.  Yesterday’s a good example of how not to do this: I had ten meetings, sent a bazillion emails, instant messaged with a billion people, and at the end of the day, none of my big projects had been moved forward.

Granted, I had a last-minute doctor’s appointment (read more here if you like TMI) – one where I embarrassingly kept my laptop open and online all the way through the prep stuff (getting weighed, cuffed, temp’d, etc) because we were frantically vetting a “creative idea” with only hours until our big boss got in front of a camera for a press conference. 

I work in software development.  Creative ideas are never a good thing, and yet, we continue to try.

Speaking of, do you work in an industry where hope is often the strategy?  I like to think I don’t, but I do, OH BOY, I do.  We got into a big debate over whether I was being asked if something was possible or probable, because they are very different concepts.  Possible?  Sure.  If the planets align and every one of the next 43 steps goes perfectly, yes, that’s possible.  Probable?  Um, how do I say this diplomatically?  Hell no.  HELL no.  Because if any one of those 43 steps goes slightly less than perfectly, the whole thing falls apart.

We work in software.  Nothing ever goes perfectly, and if it does, you just haven’t gotten everyone’s opinion yet.

So, back to my point: I have a blood pressure cuff on one arm and I’m typing with the other, waiting to pick my cell phone back up to jump back into one of those oh-shit-all-hands-on-deck kinds of calls, and the sweet nurse asks – with a very innocent look on her face – if I drink regularly, and how often.

Daily.  A drink or two.  On average.

And swear to gawd, I thought, “Hey, there’s a routine!”  Because despite my best attempts and ideas, I’m just not finding a routine that works for me when I’m at home.  I’m in a routine, fo sho, but not a really great one.

I get up (late), drink coffee (my husband leaves it for me when he goes to work), throw on a jacket to take the dogs out (if my husband hasn’t taken them out), and climb back into my comfy bed with my laptop and Blackberry.  Sometime around lunch time (like right now), I will leap out of bed and throw on real clothes in an effort to pretend I didn’t spend the morning in bed with my laptop.  This, though, only on days my husband comes home for lunch.  On the other days, this series of events happens right before five.

And then things go to hell.  My teams are west-coast based now, so they get going around 11:00 am my time and keep going through 8:00 pm my time.  At least.  So from lunch-ish until I refuse to go on any longer, I am on back-to-back calls while guiltily multi-tasking by replying to emails, instant messaging, taking the dogs out, and going to the bathroom.

Yes, going to pee is a multi-tasking event, whether the pee-er is a dog or a human.

I can’t help but feel bad.  This job is great for me – it’s perfectly suited to my personality and experience, but I feel like my family is paying the price at every turn.  My husband has picked up the slack (a lot of slack) around the house, the dogs are awesome and patient and just hang out doing nothing until someone gets a break and lets them pee or remembers to feed them, and the cats have learned to hang out with me in the office.  Well, okay, that’s also the cat room, but still, they do wait for me on my office chair when they want some lovin’.

So I guess I’m saying I have a routine but I don’t like it and I wish I was more in control of it all.  I wish I had time set aside to think.  I wish I could stick to one time zone consistently.  I wish I was a little bit taller… (name the song).

And then I remember: I do.  I am in control.  My calendar is mine to manage.  I’m the only barrier to having more think-time, an earlier start to my day, time blocked out to relieve someone’s aching bladder.  Me.  All I have to do is choose to get up earlier (EST), stick to my regular wake/ sleep schedule no matter which coast I’m on, set aside time to put away the laundry I’ve sworn I will deal with for a month, pay attention to one (okay, two) things at a time, and deal with email in one quiet hour at some point in the day.  Nothing’s stopping me but me.

I hate it when it all comes back to me.

~~~

Afterword: I asked my husband if he wished I was back on my old schedule or if he thought this was survivable.  He sheepishly replied that he liked having more time to himself, a break from me when he gets home, and actually getting the chance to miss me every couple of weeks.  I picked a good one!

Penelope often writes about productivity, and like her, I’m thinking all the time about how to get my life in order and get real things accomplished.  I’ve tried more than one planner, a fake schedule, a chalkboard wall of goals, moving offices, rearranging offices, decorating offices, and berating myself.

But none of those have worked, not consistently.

Then I spent two weeks in our company’s offices in Seattle.  Suddenly it was clear why bloggers and home-based workers write about productivity and regular office workers don’t.  There’s no time!

In ten days, I had more than a hundred meetings.  One. Hundred. Meetings.  And while I wasn’t meeting, I was informally meeting – chatting about real stuff with coworkers at the coffee machine, in the elevator, at the coffee shop, at dinner, over drinks at happy hour….

It was workapalooza.  I loved it.

Now I’m back home and struggling.  The job is still the same, the to-do list just as long, but I’m not compelled to accomplish things by virtue of my location.  When I’m in my office (in Seattle), I’m surrounded by work.  Other than making a doctor’s appointment on my cell phone, I really have no choice but to do work things while I’m at work.  I’m in 100% work mode, so much, in fact, that I have to make the conscious effort to “de-work” before I call my husband or all the poor guy hears is a play-by-play of my day.

I have a new focus, then, on making my home office more productive for me:

It must not contain anything that’s not strictly work-related.  The quilting stuff needs to find a home out of sight; the bookshelves need to be cleared; the bill-paying paraphernalia should never be dumped on top of my desk for days (ahem, weeks) on end.  And I think the cats need to find another place to hang out.

All visual cues need to be work-focused.  In Seattle I watch the ferry boats or look at my whiteboard.  In Knoxville?  I see bookshelves full of books to be read, a couch covered in cat hair, the fabric for that quilt I’m supposed to be working on, the uncomfortable chair I really should get rid of….  I do have a pseudo-inspiration board with some work stuff on it, but it’s stashed behind my chair. 

I need to suck it up and get dressed in the morning.  As I type at 11:00 am EST, I’m in my pj’s in bed with my laptop.  I tell myself I’m working because I have my Blackberry with me (and I’m reply to emails), but without my key fob for the VPN or my notes or my planner, I’m not really doing anything.  For heaven’s sake, I’m blogging about not doing anything… while thinking this paint color really needs to go.

I’m like Penelope in this post except I’m obsessing over my house instead of my words.  My advice on how to get unstuck?  Find a place where you can’t avoid what you have to do.  Then go there.

I’m on my second week in a row of cross-country travel – with a Sunday departure, no less – and less than 48 hours at home… and yet, I’m feeling like life is pretty good.

This is the view from my office.  I’m quite proud of it!  That’s Mount Olympia in the background, I’m told.  Most awesomely, though, are the ferry boats.

I have shampoo and conditioner stashed in a drawer in my desk (What? Can’t travel with the full-sized ones anymore) and a whiteboard full of multi-colored notes.  I am officially moved in.

Never mind the utter lack of anything else in the office.

I’m busy as all hell (which I love), slightly overwhelmed (which I love), and have an excuse to wear heels (yup, love).  I can’t wait to get home, though, and that’s even better.

“Do you think I’m as weird in person as I am on my blog?  I think I’m probably weirder.” After a week of trying valiantly to hide my insecurities in the pursuit of corporate respectability, I couldn’t help but ask.

“I think everyone’s weird.  If they don’t seem like it, you just don’t know them well enough.”

~~~

Tonight, I had drinks with the second person I’ve met through this blog, and it was fabulous.  A little awkward at times, sure, but that was to be expected when one of you word-pukes her deepest concerns and fears regularly (guess who?) and the other participant admits to reading every word.  We had Japanese food at my favorite kind of place (family-owned, somewhat divey, with crazy things like fish liver on the menu) and talked for more than two hours.

She said I’m more scattered in real life, which is true, and that it’s probably because on this blog, I generally have one topic I focus on at a time.  In person, I’m more random.  Also true.  For a moment I felt like Penelope, she of the “I really am very weird in person, even more so than on my blog” kind of personality, but then I realized we’re all probably a little weirder and more scattered in person than via the written word.

I love this blog because I’m constantly reminded that each of our experiences as women isn’t as different as we sometimes fear.  We all struggle with the ridiculousness of making a marriage work, with the strange and wonderful quirks that make men men, with balancing life and love and work and passion for all of it.

I love the connectedness.

~~~

I bought a jacket today.  In a real retail store.  At full price.  I didn’t compare online, search for something on sale, or debate the merits of sun protection versus wind protection.  The color was great, the style was fab, and the price wasn’t outrageous.  So I bought it.  Then ripped off the tags and put it on before I could talk myself into taking it back.

I felt kinda guilty.

When I told my husband about it, he suggested I do that more often.  “You spend all of your money on food,” he pointed out.  “Why not spend some of it on clothes if they make you feel better about doing your job?”

I realized today that my favorite black sweater had a hole in the armpit, perfectly understandable since I bought it five years ago at H&M for $12.  Little by little I’m wearing through the clothes I purchased when I had a real office, and it’s time to start replenishing, if only because it’s hard to concentrate on corporate respectability while worrying about a hole in my armpit.

I have a real office in downtown Seattle with a view of the water where I can watch the ferry boats in between meetings.  And a new Seattle friend and a new jacket.  It was a good Wednesday.

Yesterday’s meltdown was almost certainly exacerbated by my scheduled departure today.  Another paradox: I’m the one leaving and I’m the one who’s clingy.  But things are good despite a fight wherein I cried, because at least nobody yelled (well, there was that one time, but as soon as it was pointed out to me that I was yelling, I stopped).  Sometimes you count progress in strides, other times, in painful belly crawls, but each is progress.

I’m on the road for the first of two trips in a row.  I’m embarrassingly nervous because I’m switching hotels.  I love The Vintage Park but their loyalty system sucks and I’m trying to bank points for our anniversary trip — a cruise!  So instead, I am staying at a different hotel.  When I tell you, you will roll your eyes at my nervousness in switching from a boutique hotel to one well-known for fabulousness, but remember that this is me we’re talking about and I’m quirky.

On my first client visit as a newly-minted consultant, I stood outside the door and could not make myself walk in.  I wasn’t terrified or nervous so much as physically unable to open the door.  I had to call my husband to coax me into going in, very reminiscent of my freak out the day before kindergarten.  I’m not so great at transitions.

So I’m staying at the W Seattle, and were it not for my comfort with the other place, I’d be excited.  As it were, I now feel like I want to call to find out if they can tell me what to expect – yes, like the first time I went on a sleepover in the third grade.

I’m a weird one.  It’s part of my charm.

I do, however, have a dinner date with my work friend (and mentor) on Tuesday night and will likely talk the girls at work into a happy hour on Thursday night.  The best thing about learning how to get along with women has been becoming a part of a very supportive network.  You know the Good Ol’ Boys’ Club?  Ours is way better!  And all you really have to do is be female and willing to be honest about, well, everything.
Kind of like here!

So off I go on this week’s grand adventure,* recognizing that this post is rather empty but wanting you to know that things are okay even after yesterday’s post.  I know you sweet peas and I know you’ll worry.

That’s what I love about you all.

Rule #1: Be a people-person stuck working from home in a remote location, then business travel will be a fun! and exciting! way to be around people!

I’m half-kidding.

Years ago I traveled full-time and often scratched my head at people who considered business travel stressful.  But now that I don’t travel regularly, I find it stressful too.

Here’s why: when you travel regularly, you are better prepared. 

You know how long it takes to get through security on a Wednesday, mid-morning, when the weather is bad and you’re a week from a major holiday.  You know what clothing travels well and have long culled the shirts that make you go, “Ugh, I’m wearing that?” every time you pass a mirror.  You have a well-loved suitcase and know just how to fit enough clothes for a week and still have an inch to spare if you happen to accidentally buy a bunch of stuff while on the road.

When you travel regularly, traveling is your routine.

But I don’t travel that often anymore, so I can’t sleep the night before for fear of oversleeping and missing my flight.  I leave too early and spend thirty minutes waiting for Starbucks to open because it’s 5:30 am and I could have slept another hour but was worried my drive would take too long and I’d miss my flight.  I melt down while trying to pack because nothing quite goes together or fits well and I DON’T WANNA GO! *foot stomp*

Lately, though, I’m remembering how to travel well and I’m happy to share that with you.  Ready?

We’ll start with packing.

Pick one neutral and stick with it.  I have a black set and a brown set, and I never mix them.  With one neutral, you can pack one pair of shoes (and holy cow, shoes take space… this is also justification for buying really phenomenal shoes, by the way, because you’re going to wear them alot) and one type of underthings.

Remember that nobody notices your clothes as much as you do.  I start to stress that someone will notice that I will be wearing the same suit jacket two different days and the same pants three different days and think… what?  I don’t know, that I’m a big fat loser who doesn’t know how to dress like the cool kids?  Yea, like being in high school again.  Blegh.  But I’m a grown-up so I remind myself of every ridiculous outfit I’ve seen on executives (sparkly reindeer sweater, really?) and that nobody ever got fired for not looking perfect.

Roll, don’t fold.  You can smush a lot more stuff into a suitcase with fewer wrinkles if you roll your pants and shirts.  Fold in half, then roll from one end to the other.  Oh, and buy wrinkle-free shirts (I like Eddie Bauer’s).

Packing’s one thing; attitude’s another.  Mine totally sucks the night before I travel.  Every time.  EVERY time.  My poor husband!  So I’ve accepted that I’m miserable and poopy the night before I travel; it’s my process.  I don’t take it as a sign that I shouldn’t go or that my plane will crash, just that I’m a pre-travel stresser.  And I try to stick with a few outfits I know I feel good in – because my meltdowns often relate to how frumpy I feel while trying on clothes — figuring if I have to wear the same thing every day for a week, that’s okay.  (I haven’t.)

~~~

Once I’m on the road, I’m usually okay.  I really like my job, really like to be around people, really like the focused solitude I can only seem to find on a plane.  I also like making brief connections with people, so I make small talk with everyone, and it’s kind of fun (for me and for them.  Really.  Strike up small talk with a poor harried airline customer service person and see how much better the experience is for both of you!).

But these things help:

Kindle.  The only people I know who don’t like Kindle don’t have one.  Think about that for a moment.  Every Kindle owner I’ve ever met loves theirs, myself included.  Yes, I know it’s not the same experience as real book, but I’ll happily trade that for a bag that weighs 20 pounds less and has 100 times more reading material.  It’s fast to download, relatively inexpensive, and if I don’t feel like reading a business book and would rather read some empty calorie chick-lit, I can!  Love.  Only downside is I bought mine a month before they all came with international wireless; mine only works in the US.  Oh, well.

A big, semi-organized bag.  I used to carry a more professional looking business bag, but while it did have a spot for my usual stuff, I couldn’t also throw in a bag of popcorn, mug from Starbucks, and cardigan.  So I splurged on a buttery yellow leather bag from The Sak and I love it.  I use a little organizer inside to deal with the crap that I seem to collect (gum, allergy pills, etc, etc) and then everything else just gets stuffed in – laptop(!), notebook, papers, Kindle, cell phone, wallet.  As a bonus, it’s somewhat purse-like so if we go out to dinner, I dump the big stuff and throw it over my shoulder.

Socks.  I take my heels/ boots off on the plane and put on socks that only ever get worn on the plane while I’m in my seat.  They’re warm, comfy, and clean, plus I can fold my legs up on the seat and not feel weird.

A scarf.  Yes, even in the summer I travel with a scarf.  Mine’s really big so I can put it around my neck or wrap it around my shoulders.

Allergy pills and candied ginger.  I get nauseous when I’m a) tired, b) over-caffeinated, c) under-caffeinated, d) nervous, e) haven’t eaten, f) have eaten, or g) the day ends in Y.  So, an antihistamine minimizes the sinus drainage that happens on planes (yuck, I know) and the candied ginger settles my stomach if it’s really bad.  I also stopped chewing gum with Xylitol in it (because it’s toxic to dogs and mine like to steal gum and chew it) and noticed my stomach wasn’t upset as often. 

~~~

Maintaining a relationship when you travel is hard, but it can be done.  I know because I’ve studied my cohorts who have done it, and have found success doing some simple things.

I call my husband every night, even for just a moment, and I make sure to tell him I miss him and I love him.  I didn’t do this well when I was married before, instead getting caught up in being away and feeling independent… plus, it’s hard to have a real conversation when you’re on different time zones and it takes so much effort to speak the same language.  My husband and I are in completely different industries and work environments, so we have no shortcuts.  If I want him to enjoy my successes, I have to explain them first.  More than once.  But he’s the reason I can leave on a whim, so I make myself call him even if I don’t have time to tell the whole story, and I’ve never regretted it.  There’s no shame in, “Excuse me, I need to call my husband for a second” even when surrounded by corporate executives.  They do it too!  And while the stories can wait until I get home, asking about his day and how things are going for him, and sharing his frustration with the dogs and cats and weather and laundry, can’t wait.

Along those lines, I bring gifts home.  Frankly, it often feels like I do this for myself, but I still enjoy it.  Lately I bring those city/ state coffee mugs from Starbucks, because they’re huge and I love to drink out of them, and because even though it’s a joint gift, it’s nice to pull something out of my bag for my hubby.

When possible, we meet for a meal when I get home before I walk back into the bedlam. This is a big one for me.  Going from the controlled solitude of a plane trip into the craziness at home can be overwhelming and I get grumpy.  It’s hard to say hello to my husband and put my bag down and find my phone and take off my shoes and greet the dogs and pet the cats all at once, and I’m likely to snap at any or all of them.  So, meeting for a drink or a meal somewhere (anywhere!) between the airport and my house is my preference.  Then it feels like a date… and is a much smoother transition.

~~~

Do other folks have tips to offer?  I know at least one of you travels cross-country more often than I do, and someone else travels internationally more than I do, so I’m betting you have tips I haven’t thought of.  Please share!!

No, not via Formspring, which seems to be all the rage, but answers nonetheless.  In the past few posts you’ve asked me a couple of questions and I can’t sleep at night unless I know I’ve answered them (um, really, that’s really true).

I’m not sure why so many of you, my dear readers, are INFJ’s, but I have a few ideas.  Blogging is an internally-focused activity and my blog, in particular, leans toward the navel-gazing.  You value order; I strive for it.  You apparently know things intuitively “without being able to point out why”; in my posts, I tend to focus on figuring out why.  I put into words what we all feel; you are systematic and organized in a way that I wish I could be.  We complement each other!

~~~

I mentioned wishing I could ask candidates for my two open roles to take a personality test and some of you asked what I was looking for.  I’m looking for something different in each role.  First, I need an organizer with a meticulous nature who doesn’t mind creating order out of mountains of details.  We track software bugs at the most technically discrete level – and by customer – and I need someone who can keep track of our commitments, progress, and risks without wanting to crawl under a desk.  In a former job I did that, but I can’t do the forest and the trees at the same time (personal limitation), so I need someone responsible for the trees.  And I need that person to be able to run a quick query or build a quick pivot chart (shoot me) when I want to know the answer to questions like, “Is our incoming rate of bugs exceeding our fix-rate, and by how much, and why?”

Then I also need someone with a technical background who can make sense of both engineer-speak and customer-language and translate between them.  Again, I’ve done this in a former job, but I need someone better than me this time; I need someone with real engineering credibility.  Like the first role, they need to handle the trees, but they also need to see the impact on the forest.  I need an engineer who will take sides, have an opinion, communicate clearly (and gently) and still maintain respect.

So, at the risk of oversimplifying, I need an ESTJ, ISTJ, ISTP, ESTP… basically I need the S and the T to balance my N and F.  A J would be nice, too.  I’m less worried about the E versus I, figuring our jobs have a pretty good mix of internal/ external focus, but an E might be happier dealing with customers.  Worst case, customer management skills can be taught.

So there you go.  TMI?  Sorry… but this was helpful in thinking through precisely what I’m looking for, so thanks!

~~~

Anonymous asked if I could write a bit about how I keep business travel bearable, but I think I’m going to do that in a separate post, hopefully tomorrow.  For now, I need to get my stank-*ss off to the shower so I can get some stuff done today.

One last note: I love this planner system I’m using.  Can you believe this morning I actually got up and came into my office just to look at my plans for the day?  This is unheard of, people.  Usually I stay in my warm bed as long as possible (Blackberry and laptop make this possible for much longer than is strictly healthy, I think), but not this morning!  This morning I was looking forward to a day with no meetings – not so I could blow off the day and go shopping with my bff, but so I could get things done!  Make progress!  CHECK OFF A TASK!

{I’m feeling like you might not believe me because of the whole affiliate link thing, so here’s a link to the website without affiliate links, here’s a link to the free planners, and here’s a link to my original post.  I stand by my recommendation – this system is pretty awesome.  It even got me to make a decision and order pretty paper.}

~~~

Almost forgot: yes, I recommend the book I referenced in my personality types post, particularly if you’re at a career crossroads, but even if, like me, you like your job but want a bit more fulfillment.  Every job (okay, most) has room to be personalized, so knowing more about yourself makes it clearer what will make your job more fulfilling.  Along those lines, I also recommend anything by Marcus Buckingham and “Strengths Finder 2.0,” which I will add to my sidebar later today. 

This new job of mine is bewildering.  So many details, so many problems, so many requests for me to get involved with the unspoken assumption that I will then fix it.

I’m a fixer.  These are good requests.

But I’m also looking to make a difference in this role – a long-lasting, persistent, “Hey, look, I made that better!” kind of difference.  Chasing a myriad of quick fixes isn’t going to get me there. 

Looking at the bigger picture, though, makes me feel completely and utterly lost.

Funny how my professional and personal lives are one and the same anymore.  Once upon a time I could say, “My personal life is a horrid mess, but professionally I’m killing it.”  And it was true.  They were separate lives with separate skills.

That ended long ago and I’m thankful. 

Both at home and at work, I’m ready for lasting changes.  I want big fixes, the kind involving long-term plans and marching toward a goal and achieving it.  For good.  I want a house that is Dwell-worthy and to make a positive impact to the business.

So I asked my old boss for 30 minutes of her (very valuable and overscheduled) time and she (of course because she’s awesome) granted it.

~~~

About this boss: I worked for her for two years, the two most successful years of my career.  She’s absolutely completely without a doubt the best manager/ leader/ coach I’ve ever worked with.  Ever.  And though I am terribly jealous of her abilities, I’ve never found a reason to doubt them.  When people ask me about her, I tell them in all sincerity, “Yes, she really is that good.”

I left her organization because I found myself getting lazy.  She was so good and knew exactly what she wanted, I stopped trying to figure it out.  Why bother?  So I left, but not a day goes by that I don’t think, “What would Michelle do?”

~~~

So we talked and in those thirty minutes I got more clarity on what I need to be doing than I’ve had since I started.  I took three pages of notes, but more importantly, my perspective shifted. 

“Oh, NOW I get it.” 

God, how I love that feeling.

~~~

For months – years, in fact – I’ve wanted to write her a letter telling her how important her influence has been on my professional life.  Today I finally wrote the letter.  And put stamps on the envelope.  Despite feeling a bit silly, I’m mailing it.

Why do I think it’s silly?  Everyone appreciates being appreciated.  When you (dear readers) take the time to send me an email telling me I’ve touched your life, I’m stunned speechless every time.  I reread the words, show my husband, get choked up by the connection we all have to one another.

Who wouldn’t want to be appreciated?

So I’m sending it.  And I thought I’d make this a little challenge for all of us: who do you appreciate, and can you take the time to put it into words?  Email, letter, whatever.  Let’s make this a gratitude day. Bonus points for sending your note to someone who wouldn’t expect it.

I’ve been on a hunt for a decent organization system for, well, forever, because I’m an ENFP who knows I have to learn to follow through.  I’ve tried Franklin Covey (good but expensive and heavy), GTD (too cultish and overwhelming) and the single notebook strategy (what if it gets lost?).  Last year, I tried printing my own planner pages but couldn’t find any that weren’t cumbersome to print and carry…

… and ultimately, none of those systems helped me feel like I had a big-picture plan.

When I look back at the two years I spent in my last (current*) role, I’m stunned by how little I really accomplished.  I did a lot of stuff – enough to fill my days and weeks – but it sure didn’t seem to get me anywhere really amazing.

If I’m going to spend two years doing something, the end result had better be freaking awesome because, c’mon, that’s two years of my life.

Instead, email eats away at my hours, and in between doing things I can’t avoid, I’m a little lost.  And what happens when I’m lost?  I surf the ‘net until there’s no more ‘net to surf. 

Ridiculous.

I’m starting a new job that is big and exciting and has a whole lot of potential, but if growing up has taught me anything, it’s that I get lost easily when I’m in my work-from-home cave surrounded by sleeping cats and a shivering dog silence.  I thrive on interaction with people, get fired up being surrounded by hustle and bustle, love to wear heels and walk the halls and stay plugged in with everything.  But because I love my husband and we love this city and our house, I work from home.

I don’t want to get lost again, so I’m trying new strategies.

Enter this new thing I decided to try on a lark: Productive Flourishing’s premium planners.  I’m on my third week of using them, and I love them, but let me start at the beginning.

After reading the sales page for the premium planners, I was convinced to give the whole shebang a try, but I figured I’d start with the free planners (hi, I’m cheap).  I printed the daily action planner, weekly action planner, and productivity heatmap and dutifully followed the instructions.

But I was as frustrated as I’d been with every other system: I could check things off a task list, but at the end of the day/ week/ month/ year, was I moving in the right direction?  Without a big-picture plan, I still couldn’t tell if my efforts were getting me anywhere.

I need to get somewhere.

So I re-read the sales page for the premium planner and decided to fork over the (seriously minimal) amount for the premium planner because of this one sentence:

The Premium Planners help you keep those Big Ideas on the board since they come with the Annual Strategic Planner and the Monthly Objective Planner.

Call me a sucker, but I actually thought, “Yes, yes, I DO want to keep my Big Ideas on the board!”  And c’mon, it was $12.  A dollar a month.  I spend more than that on, well, lots of silly things.

But then I couldn’t decide between the Premium Action Planner or the Premium Freelancer Workweek.  See, like a freelancer, I generally dictate what gets done when.  Or at least, I have so far.  But because that’s likely to change in the new gig, I thought I might need to focus on actions over projects again.

Crap.

So, like the bad decision-maker I am, I bought them both.  And hey, I saved $6!  (This is a ridiculous amount of thought and drama over less than the cost of lunch, I know.)

The Premium Action Planner experience

I know, that title is a bit of a build-up, eh?  {Don’t ask me why, but I’m thinking with a British accent today.}

I printed out the Monthly Action Planner, Quarterly Objective Planner and Monthly Action Planner — the first two are available only with the premium set; the last is available for free – went to lunch, and stared at them in horror.

Crap.

This was feeling a lot like my yearly Goals & Objectives planning at work, except scarier, because there I only have to impress my boss.  Here I have to meet my own expectations.  I have very high expectations.

I know I want to be bad-ass at the new job, fix a bunch of broken things and make a bunch of people really happy… but breaking that down into quarterly and monthly goals?  Tough. So I ordered more coffee, settled into my corner booth, and got to work.

And people, it was fun!  Yes, I said fun.  Even more fun than updating my budget spreadsheet – and that involves dollars.

Fun and stressful, because – like with my budget spreadsheet – taking a big unspoken expectation and defining it is scary.  Is that the right thing?  Will that get me there?  What if I don’t get that done?  What if I do?  How does my action in this small period affect my overall success?

But those are the kinds of questions that grown-ups with real jobs (that affect other people) should be asking.  Big questions.  Strategic questions.  Questions about questions.

So I’m hooked.  I printed my Annual Strategic and Quarterly Objective planners on pretty stationery so I can find them quickly and am about to work on my second draft.  I use the Daily Action planner daily (um, duh) and print it on plain white paper.  I am currently lost in the sea of paper possibilities, trying to decide on a color scheme for more pretty stationery to get me through the rest of the year.

I’m hooked.

This week I’m adding the Freelancer Workweek to my system.  Though technically not a freelancer, I do (still) have a lot of control over what I work on and when.  If I’m not careful, I keep putting off big projects until the week gets away from me.  No bueno.  I am going to use both the Freelancer Workweek and Weekly Action planner and I’ll let you know how it goes.

You know how I know this is helping?  When I don’t use it, I don’t get anything done.  When I do, I get so much done my husband starts to feel like he’s losing his place as “the one in this relationship who gets things done.”  Score.

My recommendation

Look, I’ll be honest: the links on this page are all affiliate links, meaning if you buy, I get a cut, something I didn’t know until after I bought the thing.  And I think you know by now that I am way too cheap to pay for something in the hopes of making money off you.  I mean, really.  I don’t have to point you to the evidence if you’ve been reading this blog regularly (but if you want it, let me know in the comments and I’ll provide links).  At the same time, I’ve used products simply because a blogger I respect recommended them, in which case, I think that blogger should certainly get some benefit out of the whole deal.  I am happy to click an affiliate link.

And the only way to prove I’m not TRYING to make money off you is to NOT include the affiliate links, which would be stupid.

So the links are all affiliate links.  Shoot me.  If you really hate the idea, go directly to the website and buy.  I bought this because I had a hunch it might work for me, and if not, what the heck, it’s only the cost of a lunch out the door, and at least I wouldn’t be wasting paper like with the Franklin Covey systems I’ve bought and not used.

But if you struggle with keeping track of the forest while deep in the trees, do buy it.  And if you’re not sure whether you want the Action Planner (makes me feel like a superhero) or the Freelancer Workweek, try both. 

Or buy one or the other if your decisive nature allows you to do so.  I can’t, I’m an indecisive maximizer and I’m terribly jealous of your ability to choose. 

Either way, you get the Annual Strategic and Quarterly Objective planners, which are the key to this whole shebang.

Good luck.  Let me know how you like them (and if you have any similar recommendations for me).  Next week, I’ll report on my test of mind-mapping software (and Alice!)… and prove my honesty by telling you about a product that’s totally not worth your time (even though it’s free).

Now I need to get back to planning my week and day, something I neglected to do yesterday and so, of course, got nothing done.  Argh!

~~~

*The new job is still not official so I still feel like I have to knock on wood.  I am, however, doing the new job already; such is the internal transfer process at a major corporation.  I’m told I’ll be receiving an offer any day now.  I’m not holding my breath (though I am innocently and publicly assuming it’s retroactive while quietly building up serious resentment and outrage in the event they don’t meet my compensation requirements).

~~~

Later today: my thoughts on how crazy it is (crazy!) that eight of the twelve of you who commented on my “I’m an ENFP” post are INFJ’s and more on what I’m looking for in building my team at work.

~~~

Update: links have all been fixed. Thanks, Maggie, for reminding me!

Martha Beck grouped Dr. Laura with the likes of Rush Limbaugh, noting that certain public personalities want only agreement, not real discussion.

I listen to Dr. Laura because she’s on talk radio during lunch hours and that’s when I’m usually in my car.  I’d prefer Dave Ramsey, but he’s not on, and I can’t handle music sometimes.  I think that’s the most dangerous kind of influence, actually – the kind that surrounds your consciousness rather than being invited in.

I listen to Dr. Laura but admire Martha Beck, so I had some soul-searching to do.

~~~

Over the past couple years, every assumption I had about my life and role as a wife has been tested.  My husband is not like my previous lovers – he was raised by a stay at home mom, grew up in the generally conservative South, had always been the primary earner and decider in his relationships.  And I’m not like his – I’m the primary earner in my life, have lived in big cities, alone, and have always made all my own decisions.  I was raised by a divorced mom and involved dad, never felt particularly maternal myself, and was only sure that I never wanted to be left without options.

I never ever for one moment considered being a stay-at-home-mom.  Not even once.  In fact, I was pretty convinced I’d fail, hating every minute and resenting my kids for trapping me in an endless cycle of tasks I hate.  My ex-husband declared early on that he’d love to be a stay-at-home-dad; our path was set.

Then I got divorced and married a Southern man.  He never explicitly said he thought I should stay at home to raise our kids, but he mentioned he always thought his wife would.  Once.  In the first six months we were dating.  But it stuck with me and I began to imagine he wanted me to be that kind of wife, whatever “that” was.  I never specifically decided to consider the option, but between my assumptions about his wishes and regular doses of Dr. Laura, I started to wonder.

~~~

Wondering is good.  Options are good.  Assuming your path is set for whatever is reason isn’t.  So I started to consider the benefits of staying home with my children, paying attention to the choices made by other women, looking again at my childhood and my mother’s choices. 

But more importantly, I got a better sense of myself.

When I first moved away from the home I’d shared with my ex-husband, I was surprised to learn new things about myself.  It was like getting to know myself all over again. I discovered that I liked to cook, couldn’t stand elaborate patterns, preferred blank walls to mismatched paintings.  Who knew?

Similarly, I was surprised to find that I liked the idea of staying home with my kids, at least for a little while.  I was bewilderingly unable to consider leaving my husband to parent alone, even for a week, and not because I didn’t want to, but because I couldn’t imagine it.  And the stuff that made me whimper in fear related to house-management, not child-raising.

Learning is good.  Paying attention is good.

~~~

I had a cushy stay-at-home job for the past few years, one where I decided what I worked on and how much progress I made on any given day.  I hated it.  Without external and somewhat objective evidence of my worth (both to my company and on a personal level), I floundered into self-consciousness and doubt.  Despite the best efforts of my husband, best friend, and even (the horror) my boss, I continued to feel useless and unnecessary.  I obsessed over paint colors and fireplaces and wedding plans because at least those tasks seemed clearly defined.

This was me, minus the large team:

And the more responsibility I had for running a large team, trying to hit many goals at once, the less work I did. Honestly, I just didn’t know what to do. I was outside my core strength.

And I know this:  the first sign that you are outside of your strengths is when you can’t make yourself do the work you need to do.

So I changed jobs.  Sort of. {Meaning I will be changing jobs if HR gets it together and gets me an offer, but I’m doing it already anyway.}

And now this is me:

I am great in that phase of a business–thinking, philosophizing, finding holes in markets, finding holes in ideas. I never give up. I always have another idea, and I don’t mind feeling lost day after day, week after week.

In any office, employees gravitate to the job each should be doing, no matter what the titles are. Sometimes we gravitate to a job and it’s not available, and we go nuts doing something we shouldn’t be doing. Sometimes we gravitate to that job and it’s such a good fit for us that we do it even without a title.

A lot of people say they should be doing a job they do not have the authority to do. Here’s some news, though: You’d be doing it already if you were great at it. Ryan Healy is now Chief Operating Officer at Brazen Careerist because he’s already shown he can do the job. That’s how you get serious promotions:  doing the job first, in an outstanding way.

And now I’m back to the me I knew – the kindly ass-kicking, embarrassingly confident, unflinchingly capable me – and I’m scared.  My husband only knew the cushy-job me and has already remarked on how different I seem when I come home from a work trip.

I knew this was going to happen.

Because I am different.  When I know what I’m doing, I know it – and I love it. 

~~~

My first semester in college, I took macro-economics with a professor known for chewing up and spitting out freshmen.  At the end of the semester, just before the final exam, I dropped by her office to find out my exam scores… for the entire semester.

“I’m here to find out my exam scores for the semester, please,” I said.

She sneered a bit, pulled up my paper file (1997, people!) and suddenly, her demeanor changed.

“Oh!  I didn’t expect this.  Most people who don’t know how they did are failing.  You got a 100, 100, and 98.  Why didn’t you know that?”

I didn’t know that because the only thing that happened during the 8:30 am class following an exam was that you got your test back. I preferred to sleep in, confident I’d done well.

~~~

I have this new job and I love it, but I don’t want to tank my relationship again.  I’m trying to be cognizant that other people don’t care as much about my job as I do, that my husband doesn’t yet recognize that my bluster is to counteract my worries, that I have to learn to leave work at work for the sake of home.

And I’m a little bit overwhelmed to be reminded how my preferences affect so many futures.  It’s the same sense of responsibility I feel when I hear the phrase, “Happy wife happy life,” – like, wait a minute, now my happiness has to carry the weight of everyone else’s?  Are you kidding me?

But I’m grown up now, or on my way there, so I remind myself that nothing is black and white.  I can want to stay home with my kids for a few years and still go back to work.  I can NOT want to stay home with my kids and still have a great relationship with them.  I can define my future however I want.

Or, to be more accurate, we can define our future however we want.  My husband and I had a chat about accepting each other’s influence, and contrary to our public personas, I seem to take too much influence and he might take too little.

I won’t be the wife he thought he would have, but neither is he the husband I thought I would have – nobody is.  We all discover somewhere along the way that reality isn’t quite like we’d expected…

… and that’s okay. 

~~~

So my next step is to challenge my assumptions about my husband.  Somewhere along the way I defined myself as the “keeper of all things household,” so I worried about hiring a housecleaner and dog walker and making freezer meals when my travel schedule got crazy.  I had this idea that things would fall apart because I’d be too busy to deal with them.

Turns out I didn’t “deal” as much as I “pondered,” so there wasn’t much left undone and my husband stepped in and took over what was.  We’re both happier that way, actually, because he’s much more the Doer and I’m much more the Stress Out and Worry While Not Doing-er.  (My truck insurance finally got moved and my tags are getting renewed and the dog’s medicines are all refilled.  In a week.)

And now I’m thinking about life with kids in a city far, far from my company’s headquarters.  We don’t want to move, so what does that mean for me, my career, my family, my husband, our children? 

What if I lived somewhere else for one week a month, leaving my husband to care for an infant full-time?  Why not? {His family is local so they could pitch in, and yet, I feel weird about that, even though I wouldn’t bat an eye if the situation was reversed.} What if we all lived somewhere else for half the month, packing up and moving cross-country every few weeks?  Why not? {Not sustainable past infancy, but in the short-term, maybe.}  What if we moved? {We like this area, my husband is starting a four-year degree program in the fall, and waaaaa, I don’t wanna!}

What if, what if, what if?

~~~

The best part about being a grown-up is seeing life clearly and still thinking it’s fantastically exciting.