Parenthetical Three

I’m having a hard time imagining giving birth in a way that doesn’t make me anxious and procrastinate-y. Since I haven’t been through childbirth, I’m going to need to find other experiences that’ll give me some clues into what I’ll need.

I know from the experience of getting through our wedding day…

when I’m anxious or stressed, I’m not at my best with other people

I’m easily overwhelmed by decisions, even small ones

I’m not very good at carving out the quiet time I need unless I plan for it ahead of time

++ One of the best grounding moments I had the day of our wedding was sitting and writing thank you notes to my people while getting ready after Jen and Joey agreed I should hide out in the bedroom.

• Pack thank you notes in my birth bag

I know from the experience of planning our wedding…

the details will be important to me when the experience unfolds, but I’ll blow them off ahead of time because I won’t want to deal with them. On our wedding day, the few little things I got done brought me a lot of happiness.

++I had a great time showing off the goofy little table markers, but I was very tired from staying up until 2:00 am printing them.

• If I want to have favors or send e-announcements, I should create them now.

I know from the experience of feeling nauseous and ill during the first trimester…

Joey needs to know what he can do to help, but having to tell him what to do to help will annoy me

I might just want to lay still

I don’t agree with any suggestions people make to try to help me, but if I do them, they’ll help

sometimes I just have to cry and wallow and feel badly for myself

I’ll worry about Joey and his comfort

++ It was very helpful to both of us when I told Joey exactly what he should do before it was necessary (“When you hear me start puking, please get me a glass of water, sit next to me in the bathroom, and rub my back”).

• Joey and I should talk now about what we think will be helpful (and what won’t)
• I should warn him that I’ll need him to “call” the final decision if any must be made
• I will note in my birth plan that I will need to be cajoled into doing things that’ll make me feel better
• I should expect that I’ll cry at some point during labor
• I should pack a fan to take
• Joey will need to pack a bag for himself (or make a checklist) soon

I know from the experience of hosting guests…

I will very much care what the house looks like, smells like, and how well it functions

A clean refrigerator will ease my anxiousness

Knowing what we’ll eat is very important to me

++ When my mom and Pancho came to visit, having a nice guest room made me feel good, though I wish I’d changed the bathroom shower curtain.

• I should change the shower curtain now before I forget
• I could plan for and store meals for the first week
• I should have a clean set of sheets ready and stored with a note to someone (in-laws) to please change them before we come home
• I should start a “if you want to help get things ready before we come home” list for my in-laws, if they’re willing
• I will make a list of all the closets and cupboards that need to be dealt with

I like this! I think I’ll add to it as we get closer… and hopefully cross things off, too.

Nature’s trying to toughen me up, I think. Once upon a time, I thought the vomiting and nausea of pregnancy might actually kill me. How this could happen, physiologically, I didn’t know, but I was certain I could not survive it.

I’d laugh if I wasn’t fresh off a bout of tossing my cookies.

Helpful note: I’m telling you, the crackers and peanut butter packs you’d normally get from a vending machine are a life saver. I don’t know why, exactly. Could it be the minuscule amounts of protein added to acid-absorbing cracker?  Couldn’t tell you, but they work. I can think of no other explanation for having about a week of no actual hurling.

If you’re pregnant and less than 12 weeks — and therefore holding on to the little ray of hope that things get better in second trimester — know that they totally do. I can’t explain why, since clearly I’m still puking, but they are. The kid inside me is moving!  And looks like a real kid! And is ours!  We made it!  All awesome things, so still hang your hat on week thirteen.  It will be better.

And now you first trimester ladies should stop reading, because I’m going to talk about heaving and I don’t want to be responsible for causing it in you. Loves and kisses!!

That said, the digestive clouds haven’t parted, at least not for me. I’m cleaning up my diet to no avail. Tried gentle exercise and just ended up upchucking along the side of the road I live on. Thankfully, it wasn’t an actual yard, rather a space between yards. Whew!  And tonight I was back to that horrid thing where you have to cough and put some effort into getting regurgitated gunk out of your throat. Yuck. It was so acidic that when I finally stopped and had some water, the water tasted sweet. My throat aches.

Best explanation I can figure is that Mother Nature is teaching me that no, I won’t die, and in fact I can handle the whole shebang with an eensy little bit of grace… meaning I didn’t actually cry, though tears escaped and ran down my face. I also didn’t bark at my husband for snoozing comfortably through the whole ordeal. Some things you just have to deal with alone.

Luckily they happen at night, because around here, he deals with mornings.

My weeks/ days are running together and getting all off-kilter, I just noticed.  See, if you calculate my due date from the first day of my last period (10/25/2010), my EDD (estimated due date ) is 8/01/2011.  HOWEVER, I have a longer-than-28-days cycle (about 30, on average) and I happen to know we didn’t get pregnant on day 14 (which is what the “normal” estimate of due date assumes).  Plus, our first ultrasound measured a bit earlier than the calculation and estimated my due date at 8/05/2011.  My OB’s little spinny thing read 8/4/2011.  Argh!

So I popped in the latest EDD on the various websites I use to check in (babycenter, thebump) and assume I change weeks on Thursdays.  But clearly I lose track and get confused.

~~~

We had a big fight yesterday.  I won’t take all the blame for the underlying cause, but the blow-ups are all me.  Well, mostly me.  As humans tend to be, my husband isn’t completely innocent.

We dealt with the aftershocks today and ended on a good note – planning a kitchen remodel!

I’m reminded, though, that whether I like it or not, I carry a lot of responsibility for how our little family functions and thrives.  Sure, peeps get fed and bills get paid whether I’m grumpy or not, but life is a little brighter when we’re not fighting.

So as much as I am shying away from resolutions, not feeling like I tend to succeed, I think I’ll do just one thing this year: Ask.

Ask for help.

Ask for clarity.

Ask for options.

Ask for a decision.

Ask for support.

Ask for anything.

Ask, specifically, for not-a-thing.

Just ask.

I tend to accuse or yell or pout or sigh or huff instead of just asking for what I need.  I suspect this year, of all years, I’ll need the skill more than ever, so it’s my one thing.

Suddenly I realize this pregnancy discomfort is the first in a long line of discomforts in the name of parenthood.  Middle of the night feedings, sitting up with a sick kid, getting splattered with all manner of bodily fluids… a little nausea should be nothing, right?

But it envelops me in it’s misery.  I try to remind myself it’s all in the name of a greater good, a greater calling, a greater pay-off than, well, ever in the history of nausea.

It doesn’t work.  I sit on the floor in the bathroom in my “God, just let me puke already!” tears and try to remind myself there’s a kid in there already counting on me.  I shuffle to bed, pull the covers over my head, and realize I’ve forgotten to take my prenatal vitamin.

I failed the kid already.  So it begins, I suppose, this cycle of doing my best and feeling guilty nonetheless.

And yet.  And. Yet.  There’s a kid in there!  We opted to tell our immediate families and one couple with whom we’re close this weekend.  Telling our parents had a long build-up.  We told them before Christmas, after all, when we realized my brother and sister wouldn’t be there for the holiday.  It was the right decision… and the reaction of my family bolstered me more than I expected.

My siblings are awesomely and adorably excited.  My parents – both sets, for whom this will be the first grandchild – were overwhelmed.  My dad mentioned today that it didn’t feel real until today, two days after he found out.

Today, two days later, we told Joey’s parents.  Same MO – a wrapped, framed copy of the ultrasound – but in person… and surprisingly awkward!  (Am I the only one who thinks it’s awkward to be thanked by your parents for basically having sex?)  Already the “oh, you’ll be miserable!” comments are coming up.  Thanks!  (Ahem, bright side please?)  I was amused, but part of me will never say anything but positive things to a woman in her first miserable trimester.  Is this why people wait to tell people? {No, I know, I’m just sayin’.}

Everyone’s excited.  Me?  I came home, put on my new pj’s and took a nap.  With Frank, the cat who stopped being allowed to sleep with me when I started sleeping with Joey and Frank decided his night time job was to perch on the highest part of Joey’s body, dig in, and purr.  So Frank and I had a nice nap.  Now I’ll read more of “Baby Bargains,” the book lent to us by our neighbors.

Telling people has been such a positive experience and I don’t regret doing it a month earlier than is traditional.  No more fibs (“I just can’t manage to shake this flu!”) and avoiding conversations with the parents so as not to have to lie.  No more pretending everything’s fine when I would actually like some advice about the tummy full of acid.  And lots of, “You’ll love it!” – something we definitely need as we adapt to this new version of life.

If it turns out this child is a spirit baby (Have you read “Baby Catcher”? You should), we’ll need all the support we can get.

Thank you to those of you online pals in whom I confided my secret before the big blog announcement.  You all helped me get through the three weeks of radio silence, offering tips and atta-girl’s and excitement when I needed it most.  You are so appreciated.

We bought the monster a book and a movie, one from Mom and one from Dad.  We couldn’t resist.  Inside the book I wrote a note to him/her:

Christmas 2010

… because we couldn’t wait to meet you!  Love, Mom and Dad.

“Dude,” I said to my husband. “We’re Mom and Dad.”

We told my parents tonight, separately but on the same day, each time with both my brother and sister in attendance.

In a word: awesome.  Also: hilarious. And: sweet.

Also, the first gut-hurling of this pregnancy happened a few minutes ago.  I must have already digested dinner (in three hours?) because it was mostly stomach acid, though I did choke on a few chunks.

Oh, TMI. Sorry.

Strangely, I didn’t mind the puking so much because I felt better immediately afterward.  Not much immediate relief of anything had been going on in this miracle of life body o’ mine.

That said, universe + God, I wouldn’t mind not having to vomit anymore, mkay?

Today was a good day!  Yesterday, not so good.

Figuring out what I can eat comfortably has been a real challenge.  All previous guidelines have gone out the window, so I’m living an experiment here.  Yesterday — after eating a salad for dinner — my heartburn was really bad, so I tried milk, something I swear settled things down before.  I also tried water with a pinch of baking soda, sucking on a hard candy, and hot water, all to no avail.

It was a very long night, digestively speaking.

Today, then, I vowed to eat as bass-ackwardly as possible: no whole grains, no milk, no “healthy” snacks or meals.  I had a biscuit and mashed potatoes from KFC (seriously) for lunch, no snacks and lots of water.  I wasn’t feeling good, but I wasn’t feeling bad.

On the water: during my fitful mostly restless night of not-sleeping, I was obsessed with the fact that I haven’t been drinking enough water.  I never do, never have, but I know how important it is now.  When full of acid and heartburn, though, water is the last thing you want. Still… must. try. harder.

Then I decided that if I can only eat three things, dammit, I’d eat them in variety.  (Three things: cheese, bread, potatoes.)  After a snack of pan-fried potatoes (seriously), I ran to the hippie grocery store and went crazy.  I bought three kinds of cheese, two kinds of potatoes (insert boring details here, blah, blah, blah) and stuff to make a pizza.  Hey, pizza = bread + cheese, right?  I took a chance on a tomato-based sauce, artichoke hearts and pancetta (couldn’t resist) and it was SO GOOD.

But I was dreading the post-meal extravaganza.  And taking my prenatal vitamin.

Sidetracked: I have been taking Rainbow Light Once Daily Prenatals for a while.  Not regularly, but for a while.  When the pregnancy indigestion began, I figured the pill was the culprit and switched to gummie prenatals.  Egads, the sugar!  I tried splitting them, taking them at night, taking them in the middle of the night – nope.  Terrible bubbling pit of tummy acid.

I then switched to my husband’s gummie vitamins in double dose to get enough folic acid.  I got a shallower bubbling pit of acid, but acid nonetheless.

In full-on experimental mode tonight, I went back to my original pill.  Just one, just once a day, no sugar.  I think it’s working!  Sure, I have some heartburn and a nasty taste in my mouth, but people, this is so. much. better than the others.

Or maybe I’m just having a good day?

Lesson learned: must get out of the house, on my feet, in some semblance of walking-ish activity in the afternoon.  How I will do this when my days really get going around 11:00 am and don’t typically end until 7:00 pm, I don’t know, but I’ve got to find a way.

I wonder how far from the house my cordless phone gets reception?

~~~

In sweet-sentimental news, my husband bought the monster a Christmas present.  Sweet!

According to some calculators, I’m in week seven now: blueberry!

I really liked Creature Gorgeous’s weekly updates.  As a non-pregnant woman, I was really interested to know more about her experience, and once I was pregnant (and struggling mightily with indigestion), I dug frantically through her archives because I couldn’t remember how she dealt with it!

I’d like to do a similar update, but with modifications.

1 – I’m not very good at sticking to a schedule, but I’ll do my best.

2 – I’m unlikely to keep up with the weekly pregnancy pictures, primarily because (ahem) I rarely actually comb my hair and put on real clothes.  I work from home!  I will try.

Body:

So, week seven seems to have rushed in with some additional nausea.  I thought I’d have to run to the bathroom in the middle of a conference call today, but luckily, it passed.  The feeling was significant enough, though, that I gave my team a brief warning that I felt a flu coming on.  I wonder if they’ll remember the little white lie when they find out I’m pregnant?

I discovered yesterday that distraction is really important to getting through the day.  The weekend was rough because I laid around feeling yucky.  Monday was better because I had to drag myself up and interact with people (bringing home bacons!) and before I knew it, I’d forgotten my misery.

Whew.

While Joey went snowboarding, I knitted and watched TV.  Keeping my hands busy is important.

B6 vitamins are like a miracle for nausea.  And yes, I’m taking pills for heartburn, approved by my doctor.  In other TMI news, the indigestion remains so I can’t eat onions at all and am brushing my teeth 5-ish times a day.  Warm water helps; cold water doesn’t.  Smaller, cleaner meals also help, but I successfully ate a piece of pizza last night.  I’m still not drinking enough water but doing my best.  Gummy prenatals are better than pills, but not by much.

Soon I will look more pregnant than I am because all of the discomfort prevents me from sucking in my stomach, as per usual.

Soul:

Better today.  I had a rough weekend, mentally, filled with “How will I ever get through this?” kinds of thoughts.  Also, realizing I can’t really handle discomfort (much less PAIN) caused great anxiety around giving birth, along with the inevitable, “So, um, I’m stuck getting through this now, right?”

But work is pleasantly distracting (who’d have thought?) and we’re figuring things out, Joey and I.  I feel great amounts of guilt for being so averse to almost everything and he feels the extra pressure of keeping this household functioning.  We’re doing pretty well, though.

And lucky me, he took Indy to the vet today to get his front and back ends checked out – they both stank!  I couldn’t stand to be near him, poor little guy.  Now I just can’t stand to be around one end (and it’s the front end)!

Baby:

This little monster is growing. From a couple of cells five weeks ago, it’s now about a half inch in size, has a nose and developing hands and feet.  This is old news, but the kid has a beating heart (!) and is starting to form organs – spleen, kidneys.  Nuts!  Still has a tail, though, and therefore is still rather alien-like.

I say this with affection.

Bigger news first: we went to our first prenatal appointment on Wednesday, and all is well!  There’s a sac and a little baby floating around in there.

See?

Between the dots is a little monster!

~~~

Body:

In other news, the discomfort I’m constantly feeling is making me grumpy and tired.  Every time I eat, I have hours of rumbling tummy and uncomfortable acid.  I can’t sleep, wake up with a nasty taste in my mouth, and am constantly shifting.  You can hear my stomach from across the room, and oh, how I wish I knew how to burp.

My OB gave me a prescription for an acid blocker which kind of helps, and I had high hopes for Mylanta but when I called the pharmacist to ask if I could take it and the acid blocker, he noted that Mylanta was listed as “questionable” for first trimester pregnancies.  Bummer.

So I spent an hour reading through Creature Gorgeous’s pregnancy blog posts because I remembered her mentioning indigestion.  She found some relief by eating smaller, cleaner meals and cutting out red meat, so I will try that.  In all honesty, red meat isn’t appealing to me at all, nor, frankly, is most food. I’ve eaten ramen noodles every night for a week against my husband’s advice.

This is very sad for a person like me, who looks forward to every meal.  Seriously.

We went to dinner (I ordered all sides, then was only able to eat half) and then I stocked up on pregnancy-allowed stuff at Target (well, or so I thought): B6 pills for nausea, a soft-cup tank top to sleep in, sparkling water (getting tired of regular water), saltines, and popcorn.  I love popcorn!

That said, I’m really not interesting in eating anything with all of this indigestion.  Also notable: I walk differently because the bloating is so uncomfortable.

Soul:

We went to dinner and were seated in the neighboring booth of a man wearing so much cologne, I smelled him from ten feet away.  Uh, oh.  After a few minutes, I couldn’t stand it.

“Um, this is rather embarrassing, but, um, well, I’m pregnant, and the man sitting behind us is doused in cologne and it’s making me feel sick.  Would you move us to another section, please?”

The (very loud very gregarious) woman hugged me.  “Sure, sweetie, let’s get you moved right over.  And here, this one’s near the bathroom!” (It wasn’t like, near the door, but the hallway to the bathroom was just 20 feet away.)

Bless her.  This was the first time I’ve said, “I’m pregnant” to anyone other than myself or my husband.

I’m trying to remind myself that this is exciting and miraculous, not just uncomfortable and sleep-stealing.  Already feeling sleep deprived because I’ve had insomnia practically from the moment this monster was conceived, I’m trying not to think too far ahead.

Failing, thinking thoughts like, “I’m going to be this bloated for half a year more?” and “the discomfort will only get worse!” and “the sleeplessness gets far worse!”  This is a great opportunity, apparently, to find the Bright Side Marisa.

I spent some private time feeling sorry for myself.  Crying came and went, poor me thoughts passed, and things are looking up.  This may feel uncomfortable and miserable, but hey, I’m growing a baby!  I can’t wait to tell my mom so I can call and unload my pity party on her; she always helps.

Baby:

The size of lentil this week and hopefully doing well.

Body: Tired. Could be work (frustrating), could be not sleeping (insomnia), could be general blah-ness from the weather (snowy and gray), but I’m feeling empty tonight.  And bloated, so bloated!

Still insomnia.  Still heartburn.  Some food aversion but not much.  At lunch we accidentally ordered raw sushi (I didn’t eat it, obviously). Duh.

Soul: Settling.  I’m excited about the monster – the prospect of an actual kid creature running around this place! – but a bit anxious about the life adjustments surrounding said kid.  I should keep a list of things that must be done some other month.  Should we get a house cleaner? (Sure, but not something to decide now.)  Who will watch the baby? (Again, defer.)

Baby: Still tadpole-like.  Loved.

You know that meditation thing that says you experience your thoughts without judgment and continue to bring yourself back to not-thinking?  I’m trying to do that about our impending monster.

Yes, we’ve decided to call it the monster!  I’m very excited about this for some reason.  Have you seen Havi’s monsters? Adorable – and loving even when they’re being turds.

Our own little monster!

Thoughts today:

Maternity leave it awesome and paid at 100%.  Oh, wait, only for xx number of weeks. Okay, putting that back in the “think about later” category.

Our own little creature!

Ugg, figuring out which car seat/ stroller to buy.  Putting that in the “think about later” category.

Yay, a treehouse room!

*nerves* What if we lose the little dude between now and our first doctor’s appointment on Wednesday?

Do we need more dog training?

I’m also vacillating between dread and excitement at telling our parents.  The dread isn’t what you think it is.  I just have this awkward discomfort about telling people good news and having to wait through that moment before they react – and then they react all over you!  Ugh.  I used to dread telling people we were getting married.  That said, I am a gusher to other people.

The irony.

But today I started to think that it would be nice to tell my peeps.  I talked with my mom and was excited for when she’ll finally get the news (knock, knock, knocking on wood).  So, progress.

I am weirded out by the idea of my body changing.  Admittedly vain about my decent (and totally undeserved) figure — one I fully admit is a combination of great genetics and lack of child-bearing — I’m feeling ambivalent about the changes that are coming.  Apparently I do have body image issues and they’re suddenly surfacing, making me worry about looking like a chunky little Latino woman about to tip over from the weight of her belly.  To force myself to deal with it,  I spent some time looking at maternity clothing ads.  I know, they’re still models, but the maternity body freaks me out so I’ll start there, thankyouverymuch.

Also? No desire to wade into the maternity clothing situation. I know some women are very excited to go there, but I like my (admittedly) frumpy clothes.  Again, setting that whole thought process aside.

Oh, bright side!  I don’t need many maternity clothes, as my practice even now is to wear the same things over and over and over (and over!) again.  Often heard around here: “Darn it, I spilled something on my jeans.  Now I’ll have to wash them, argh!”

{Also often heard from my husband, usually in response to the above statement: “You mean I’ll need to wash them?”  Yea, he does the laundry.  I definitely married the right guy.}

~~~

The big concern for the day (and months, I’m sure): how do you involve your parents with your kids when they live across the country?  I don’t know how this works, always having lived within an hour’s drive (at most) from each of my grandparents.  My huge extended family got together all the time, so I knew my cousins and aunts and uncles really well.  It makes me a bit sad when I hear from other people that they’re not close to their extended families, but it looks like, unless we come up with something brilliant, my kids will be in the same boat.

At least when it comes to my side; my husband’s family are all local.

Any ideas?  I’m thinking we (me and the monster, but maybe even my husband) could even encamp to the southwest for a month or so every summer.  Road trip, anyone?  My mom has a great guest suite in her house — and I work remotely — so it’s not beyond the realm of possibility to move in for a little while.  That said, I’m not so excited about living with my parents for any length of time, so perhaps it’s time to reframe this as an extended visit.

Downside: summer in New Mexico.  Upside: swimming pools!

Is this crazy?

And now I’m thinking I might have to plan a trip back home in the spring for a (dare I even mention it?) baby shower with all of my peeps.  My mom would love that.

~~~

For the first time today, Joey said what I’d been expecting to hear: “Gosh, you’re getting a little obsessive. Can you think about anything else?”

No.  But in a testament to how far I’ve (we’ve) come since our engagement, he’s right about needing to get off the all-baby-all-the-time channel.  And I am capable of setting bigger concerns aside until a more appropriate time.  No need to obsess about which crib to buy.  Close the laptop!

We’re trying to brainstorm ideas for spending our last monster-free months, too.  Snowboarding, leaving at night on a whim to eat somewhere… what else?

~~~

Day 3: starting to sink in and feel real