On Sovereignty

I haven’t posted in a while because a) we’ve been GSD (getting sh*t done*), b) work’s been busy**, and c) I’m tired of my whiny self.  Even I don’t want to read another post about how I can’t pick a paint color, am too cheap to buy something I really want, or can’t grow a spine to get my job done.

So, no posting.

I have been thinking a lot, though, about sovereignty as Havi defines it:

Sovereignty. Oh, it’s a tricky thing to define. Also to feel.

I was spending a lot of time being annoyed and frustrated – at my work, at my coworkers, at my husband, at myself.  Lots of annoyance and frustration, too much, so much I was back to feeling completely disconnected from my body.  Again.

Do you do that?  Find yourself so hard to live with that you disconnect?  Okay, to be fair, sometimes it’s the situation that forces me to disconnect.  When I really, really, really want to yell or throw something, for example, I’ve learned to just take a break from myself, check out of the situation, stop feeling so much.  The downside is I find it hard to come back to myself, sometimes for days.

Am I sounding a little crazy?  Kooky?  Quirky?

Anyway, while in the disconnection, I was thinking about how often my frustration sounds like this: “You’re making me…!” or “He’s driving me to….!” or “When he does ____, I ____!”  Note: I work with many men, so the “he” could be any one of many frustrating, annoying “he’s.”

So, sovereignty.  The state of being myself.  The attitude that means I do what needs to be done without worrying about whether other people think I’m right or silly or frustrating.  The freedom to not react to everything that annoys me, to laugh at the absurdities of a long life with another person with his own quirks and idiosyncracies, to enjoy the beauty of my favorite month – even when I’m on ten hours of conference calls.

I have a choice!

I might need a crown.  Or, actually, a pair of heels.  I do love that the thing that makes me feel most powerful – a pair of tall heels – is such a feminine thing.

{Ah, sovereignty.  It’s right-this-very-moment allowing me to be amused by my husband’s running commentary on how to survive a zombie outbreak.  In the morning, no less.}

~~~

*Woo, hoo, office painting and general de-casualization is complete!  My husband helped! Pictures later.

**Making change happen requires much more spine than I remember.

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5 thoughts on “On Sovereignty

  1. Oh my stars, girl! This is EXACTLY what I needed to read today. This week I have been feeling, as you put it, “disconnected” with myself and unable (maybe unwilling?) to get back to normal. THANK YOU for reminding me that I have control and I have a choice!

    P.S. Can’t wait to see what you did with the office!! 🙂

  2. Ha. Wearing a pair of gold heels right now. I so fell ya. I even had to stop blogging because I was so sick of hearing myself complain. I had to buckle down and just do my thing for awhile. Over a month later, I am still trying to figure it all out. I think it might take years. And yes, when did change become a four letter word?

  3. make sure your husband sees ‘zombieland’ and remembers to doubletap haha…
    those paper lanterns don’t work huh – i was looking at those. guess i will continue to look!
    i am excited to see what you do with the ceiling. i found a shinto screen from world market to disguise/hide my kitty’s litter box area. and it adds a great accent and also hides the litter box which is nice!

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