So, this is the point-and-laugh kind of fun stuff. Be warned (that one’s for you, Rude).
- My breasts have grown rather amazingly. Well, I’m amazed. I was well endowed to begin with (a 32DDD on a skinny month) and now? Hahahahaha.
- Said breasts are freaking me out. They don’t hurt anymore, but they are freakishly large and alien-like. You know, like a mom’s breasts, I get that, but it still freaks me out.
- My n*pples are huge. And growing. Again, clearly I understand this is a mom thing, but it’s freaky.
- Can I say freaky any more?
- My left boob is growing faster/ bigger/ lower than my right. When I get out of the shower, “Do your boobs hang low? Do they wobble to and fro?” jumps into my head and won’t get out.
- Because of this unevenness, I must carefully arrange my n*pples inside my sports-bra-like bra lest my headlights be uneven when turned to the on position, if ya know what I mean.
- For weeks I’d notice this unevenness and think, “Huh, must’ve put the suckers in crookedly.”
- Body changes freak me out.
Also, I started researching breastfeeding. Now, before we get our panties in a wad, yes, I believe breastfeeding is ideal if one can manage to make the whole shebang work, and if not, then it’s clearly not ideal and therefore another option is probably better. What follows is to be taken as evidence of the nuttiness of my mind, not as a judgment or opinion on the act that is breastfeeding. Mkay?
So, whoa. Bf’ing (an abbreviation that cracks me up – “best friend-ing?”) is, um, primal. And kind of scary. That little bitty baby creature and that huge *ss boob coming right at the places where (s)he breathes and, well, survives… whoa. And people, you have to get a whole lotta booby in that little baby’s tiny widdle mouth for things to not hurt as much.
Not. Hurt. As. Much.
Seems like a little pregnancy discomfort is likely to be but a wistful memory once the actual pain of being a mom is for real.
Discomfort = vomiting, indigestion, gas, vomiting, gagging, vomiting, heaving, vomiting, dry heaving, endless indigestion, heartburn.
Pain = body stretching, back aching, boobies being sucked on, aching carrying muscles, lack o’ sleep, baby coming out of one’s hooha.
Let it begin. Um, I guess. (Yup, there’s Ambivalent Me. Wondered when she’d join us.)
Bright side: Hey, when we get through this, we get a KID! Like, of our very own! And we’ll take that kid on all sorts of awesome and slightly dangerous outings like to our backyard (steep incline, plenty of things to trip on, bugs, poison ivy, things that scratch and poke), Disneyland (ahem, must you even ask?), and to visit the crazy grandparents in hot, hot, burning hot New Mexico!
I wonder if it will be freaky to look at a little mini-human and recognize some of my own features on them? Like stumbling upon a mirror in an unexpected place or catching a glimpse of myself laughing in a reflection but thinking, “Oh, my sister!” before I realize it.