Like Love Languages, but around how you each make decisions?
I haven’t posted a relationship vent in a while, which makes me boring as a blogger but relatively sane as a wife. That said, ’tis time.
My husband and I make decisions very, very differently. I ponder in my head, wait for the idea to settle into my soul, and go forward. On Sunday I realized we had too much work and too little time to hit our goals on our current house before this kiddo comes, hence this other post. By Monday, with some feedback from our Realtor and a few discussions with my husband (and input from my important people and then my husband again), I was ready with my decision: we’d move.
While the financial aspects are still not 100% clear (and won’t be until we sell the house), the time/ effort/ family drama pieces are: we are running out of time, lack the energy, and our history doesn’t bode well for getting major work done in a jiffy.
My husband is not ready to make the decision. He prefers to sit with something for a (very long) time. And ask a bunch of people for their opinion. Depending on who he’s talking to, he might change his mind a few times.
From my perspective, it feels like other people’s (non-expert) opinions trump his latest discussion with me. From his perspective, once I decide, I want him to agree (this is true). I don’t think there’s any reason to revisit a decision if the underlying assumptions or data (input) hasn’t changed. And I make decisions quickly. He doesn’t.
So we’re in an argument over this house-moving. I don’t think that our Realtor noting that the big house might be tougher to sell because it can’t go FHA changes things; we knew this already and it doesn’t change the critical factor, which is that this house needs a ton of work (and we’ll have to write big checks at a time when we’re also preparing for a baby). He doesn’t think waiting a few more days (weeks?) will make a difference.
ARGH. Figuring out how to pull someone else into a decision while respecting your own position is really hard, as is negotiating timing differences. I don’t want to arm-twist him into something he’ll later complain about (plus who wants that kind of relationship?) but I feel like the looming deadline of this kid arriving and honesty about our capacity isn’t being taken into account.
Clearly I don’t have a big lesson learned with which to wrap up this post, just a lot of venting. Sorry. Let’s just say this is one of those posts where I admit that life is hard, relationships are hard, and compromising sucks *ss. If not done well, it leaves you feeling like you’ve ceded all control of everything to someone else, even when that person doesn’t necessarily want/ enjoy/ deliver on that pressure.