Scared, nervous, not zen

I spent much of last night wide awake, monitoring contractions I knew were Braxton-Hicks but with frequency just on the cusp of needing to call. I’ve struggled with anxiety, with finding my inner pregnancy goddess, with not becoming overwhelmed by my usual self, and I’ve mostly succeeded at keeping the worries at bay, but people, I do not want this little dude to come out. Now.

Right. I do not want this little dude to come out now. Ahem.

I took today off to rest, an excuse that sounds like total bullshit to me. I apologized to my staff, swore to my boss that this was no big deal, and logged off full of guilt. My choosing to spawn has directly affected my team already and I haven’t yet begun my planned 10 week disappearance.

But what can you do? I need my son to have another month to grow, need myself to have another month to settle. I’m not ready!

I wrote a premarital post that was quite popular titled something like, “Scared? Hell, yes. But scared isn’t panicked.” I’m there again, except teetering on the edge of panic and holding my breath so as not to fall.

So I’ll go build something or pack something or make a list or five, concentrate on stuff so as not to fall prey to the danger of a quiet mind. Soon, perhaps even tomorrow, I’ll take a shaky breath and face every fear until I find some semblance of peace, even if resolution can only be, “it’ll be okay. Somehow.”

I’ll trust in my process, fucked up though it may be, and know that not being all rainbows and butterflies is just how I roll; joy can still come later, often just in time.


5 thoughts on “Scared, nervous, not zen

  1. Don’t forget that soon (or hopefully not SO soon but still), your son will be here and it will be amazing. You’re not going to have just any old baby around; it will be your son. I know that I tend to be more of a rainbows person, but seriously, just wait… it can be hard, but I dare you to say it’s not amazing (and worth looking forward to)!!

  2. I freaked out today because I was having back pains and throwing up (im 6 1/2 months). You’re not doing anything wrong. and this is not to under mind your importance (especially since I don’t know you or what you do), but a good team, can survive one member down every once in a while. Look at this as a trail run for the bigger separation. Now you can go back and work out any kinks if they came up or relax in the knowledge that everything worked smoothly.

    •, It’s scary, isn’t it? And then you think, “I shouldn’t be freaking out,” but that doesn’t help, either!

      Yes, my team kicks *ss, and they’ll be fine without me, I just can’t help but feel bad that they have to be, that’s all.

  3. Hope all is well. Take care of yourself– you and baby are priority right now. Work will work itself out– that’s why you’ve been preparing your team for this. Rest up and then you can finish out the rest of your pre-maternity leave time strong.

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