The anxiousness returns

You know I try to tell it like it is, right? I do, because I find it heartening to discover that someone else out there feels similarly to how I’m feeling.  So even though I’d rather pretend that everything is fabulous and fine and normal and I’m excited and impatient and can’t wait to meet my son, I feel compelled to be honest: I’m very anxious. Or rather, nervous. Worried? Stressed.

All of the above, at once, but then, not quite. I can’t put my finger on the right word (let’s blame pregnancy hormones while we still can) but things are freaking me out.

Yes, yes, I know this is to be expected, but the problem with freaking out in my household is that it is not considered such by my husband. He thinks normal people (even pregnant ones) don’t freak out, and given my propensity for it, life gets hard. I’m tired of explaining/ defending/ repeating that pregnant women get to freak out, thankyouverymuch, given all that’s going on. Sometimes it’s best to just not talk to each other.

So, there’s that.

I’m 39 weeks today and quickly becoming exhausted by people’s questions about how I’m feeling. I completely understand why they’re asking but am never sure how to respond.  I feel exactly like I did the last time you asked, sorry to disappoint you. Why is it that when you’re pregnant, everyone else is so needy? My (fabulous) staff is trying to gauge whether I’ll suddenly fall off the planet (and thus, whether they can blow off some email they were just cc’d on), my parents are trying to solidify their travel plans, his parents are just asking just to ask because they want to know…. and I’m feeling overwhelmed by the pressure I feel in everyone’s queries.

I’ve found it necessary to protect against additional stress surrounding my son’s birth which leaves me feeling like the bad guy. I’m okay with that most of the time — hell, I’ve made a career out of it — but find it disappointing to have to be one in my personal life.

I ache. My skeleton is tied together in new and mysterious ways so when I go from standing still to moving — or vice versa — things crack and hurt and sometimes don’t quite work like they should. My boobs (which will continue to get larger, I know) are heavy so my back hurts from lugging them around. My belly is huge and totally awesome, but I keep bumping it into things and that hurts!

I would like to meet this kiddo but thinking about it all makes my stomach clench. I am ready to be finished being pregnant but am worried about what comes next. And though things are pretty much ready, I’m fairly certain I’m not, and I’m not quite sure what I should be doing to feel ready. I’m HypnoBaby’d out!

So I freak out. I cry. I take many baths. I watch reruns of Bones that I’ve already seen, make a changing mat, and throw together supplies for a Birth Day Party, all of which gets thrown out the window when it gets blown out of proportion. I’ll probably still blog about it because I think it’s a fun idea, at least.

I don’t have a lesson to share or improved perspective this time. Mostly I’m just this, all of this, and not sure what comes next, except perhaps more of this until suddenly life changes. *shrug* Let’s call this the Week 39 Doldrums.


7 thoughts on “The anxiousness returns

  1. Deeeeeeep breath, sister. You are allowed to freak out and you will be just fine. Things are going to change in a rather dramatic fashion soon enough, so give yourself some breathing room from all of the questions and let the pressure roll off your back. Now is the time to invite the calm and let go of all the rest. You can do this!

  2. Aww, everything will be okay! I’m at 36 weeks and I’m most worried about my freedom being totally lost in a few weeks. It makes me sad to know that my life is changing forever and it’ll never be just the two of us, my husband and I, again 😦
    BUT, then I have to remember that yes, my life is changing, but hopefully for the better! Phew, sorry, it feels good to get that out there!
    Hang in there!

  3. I’m right there with you. I’m excited to meet my kiddo but nervous or scared or something too. I’m sick of people asking me when I think he’s gonna show up. If I knew that I’d be much happier right now. And the freakouts…totally allowed. I’ve been having them on an almost daily basis for the last week or so. Thankfully tomorrow starts my last week of work and hopefully the beginning of my son’s life. Fingers crossed that the doldrums pass quickly for you. Good luck!

    • @Jenn, The worst is when people are like, “You haven’t had that baby yet?? Where is she? I feel like you’ve been pregnant forever!!”

      Yeah, so do I, people. And I’ll tell you where she is — STILL IN MY UTERUS. As evidenced by the fact that I still resemble a beached whale. So please stop reminding me, ‘kay? The achey hips and itchy stretched-out skin are reminder enough.

  4. Yeah, when I was in your shoes (-ish), I had pretty much decided I’d be best off going to a random cave to have the baby; totally a reaction to pressures/questions from everyone else. (Yep–isolation is my coping mechanism.) Otherwise I totally second Heather MK’s comment. Good luck and/or hugs to you during this last bit of time 🙂

  5. The upside is that after he’s born, people will stop asking how you’re feeling because there’s a new baby and you suddenly cease to exist because his tiny, tiny toes are so much cuter than any part of you.

    The downside is that instead of asking how you’re feeling, they’ll ask how he’s sleeping. INCESSANTLY. I’ve learned that the best response is, “Well, you know, not bad, considering he’s only X weeks old”. Otherwise you’ll get sucked into a conversation wherein you are either told about how you’re so much luckier than the other person because her 5-year-old STILL cosleeps and is up every two hours and all she wants is one night of decent sleep and she sort of hates you for having a baby who sleeps better than her kindergartener (which makes you feel sort of bad for having a good sleeper — DO NOT EVER FEEL BAD for having a good sleeper!), or you’ll have to hear about how her kid slept 13 hours every night from the time he was 3 days old and she just doesn’t understand why other parents complain that their kids won’t sleep and obviously they’re doing something wrong (which makes you feel like you must be doing something wrong, because you’re too exhausted to realize that she’s full of shit).

    Bottom line: if it’s not one thing, it’s another. People mean well (usually) but it’s still annoying. Hang in there, though — soon you’ll have that baby and not only will you no longer be pregnant (yay!), you’ll also HAVE THAT BABY. And once he’s here, for the most part the panic about what comes next subsides … either because you get into a groove with him, or because you’re too tired to panic 😉

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