You know I try to tell it like it is, right? I do, because I find it heartening to discover that someone else out there feels similarly to how I’m feeling. So even though I’d rather pretend that everything is fabulous and fine and normal and I’m excited and impatient and can’t wait to meet my son, I feel compelled to be honest: I’m very anxious. Or rather, nervous. Worried? Stressed.
All of the above, at once, but then, not quite. I can’t put my finger on the right word (let’s blame pregnancy hormones while we still can) but things are freaking me out.
Yes, yes, I know this is to be expected, but the problem with freaking out in my household is that it is not considered such by my husband. He thinks normal people (even pregnant ones) don’t freak out, and given my propensity for it, life gets hard. I’m tired of explaining/ defending/ repeating that pregnant women get to freak out, thankyouverymuch, given all that’s going on. Sometimes it’s best to just not talk to each other.
So, there’s that.
I’m 39 weeks today and quickly becoming exhausted by people’s questions about how I’m feeling. I completely understand why they’re asking but am never sure how to respond. I feel exactly like I did the last time you asked, sorry to disappoint you. Why is it that when you’re pregnant, everyone else is so needy? My (fabulous) staff is trying to gauge whether I’ll suddenly fall off the planet (and thus, whether they can blow off some email they were just cc’d on), my parents are trying to solidify their travel plans, his parents are just asking just to ask because they want to know…. and I’m feeling overwhelmed by the pressure I feel in everyone’s queries.
I’ve found it necessary to protect against additional stress surrounding my son’s birth which leaves me feeling like the bad guy. I’m okay with that most of the time — hell, I’ve made a career out of it — but find it disappointing to have to be one in my personal life.
I ache. My skeleton is tied together in new and mysterious ways so when I go from standing still to moving — or vice versa — things crack and hurt and sometimes don’t quite work like they should. My boobs (which will continue to get larger, I know) are heavy so my back hurts from lugging them around. My belly is huge and totally awesome, but I keep bumping it into things and that hurts!
I would like to meet this kiddo but thinking about it all makes my stomach clench. I am ready to be finished being pregnant but am worried about what comes next. And though things are pretty much ready, I’m fairly certain I’m not, and I’m not quite sure what I should be doing to feel ready. I’m HypnoBaby’d out!
So I freak out. I cry. I take many baths. I watch reruns of Bones that I’ve already seen, make a changing mat, and throw together supplies for a Birth Day Party, all of which gets thrown out the window when it gets blown out of proportion. I’ll probably still blog about it because I think it’s a fun idea, at least.
I don’t have a lesson to share or improved perspective this time. Mostly I’m just this, all of this, and not sure what comes next, except perhaps more of this until suddenly life changes. *shrug* Let’s call this the Week 39 Doldrums.