Over. Whelmed.

Week six here, doing a drive-by to say hi and unload. You know, the usual.

First, I knew before I had kids that I would not be a happy SAHM, and although people assured me it would be different with my own spawn, I am here to say ‘tis not the case. I would not be a happy SAHM, not based on my experience thus far, anyway.

Every day runs together. Every hour is just one hour closer to (or barely away from) another step in the same short-cycle process: eat, sleep, poop, fuss (because Mama can’t figure out what the hell he wants). This shouldn’t be rocket science. Did you notice there are only FOUR steps? And yet, six weeks in, every day I still ask of the newborn, “What do you want from me?”

And also, I find myself looking forward to going back to work and having someone else figure out how to fill my son’s days with useful and productive learning kinds of things. I feel bad about this, but I’d feel worse if I wasn’t honest enough to admit that all I do is get through the day, learning activities my *ss. Again, I wish this was different, but it is what ‘tis.

I don’t feel like I have an excuse to complain, either, seeing as how my husband splits the middle-of-the-night wake-ups with me close to 50/50, my son is healthy and pretty good at sleeping (although almost never when we want him to) and I have the luxury of 12 weeks away from work to focus on this new family.

But here I am, complaining. This is not my thing, people. I love the kid, really, really do, but I just don’t know what to DO with him, and “enjoy him” is too rainbows and butterflies for me. I’m sure I’ll regret this later, but right now, I’d just like a teeny tiny bit more opportunity to miss him. I’d also like more sleep, something I feel I should apologize for thinking lest he suddenly sleep even less than he does.

Lucky for me he’s really cute. Dude started smiling the other day and now graces us with one right when we’re about to lose our everloving minds. Smart kid!

Soon: my Mirena experience, review of the new stroller, breakdown of sleep/ feed strategies by book, and other not-whiny stuff. Thanks for bearing with me through the griping.

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7 thoughts on “Over. Whelmed.

  1. You are SO not alone! I feel the same way, like if I’m not holding my daughter, or interacting with her, then I’m totally failing her as a mother. But then again, I remember watching the movie Babies by Disney and seeing that little nomad kid tied to the bed by his ankle while his family went out to herd animals, and I don’t feel quite so bad 😉 Chin up! We can’t all be supermom, nor do we have to be. I’m sure your little rugrat will grow up just as smart and healthy as those over-stimulated brain children out in blogland!

  2. Brooke totally stole my thought about the movie babies….I would totally do the ankle thing;) You won’t ruin him by putting him down in a PNP…and I am with you on the needing to work thing. **HUGS**

  3. Nothing wrong with being the non-SAHM type! But since you have 6 weeks left…here’s my two cents.

    Don’t worry about “filling his days”: he will fill them for himself (Remember everything is exciting to a baby, like spoons! the ceiling! their hands!)

    I worried at first that I wasn’t “interacting” enough with my daughter; but the reality is she’s a little person and can let me know if she wants to play. And often, especially when she was a small baby, she just wanted to be left alone to rest (or digest). Social interaction is hard work for a baby.

    Your job as a mother is to: 1. not kill him 2. be loving and 3. listen to what he wants. It sounds like you are doing all three, so you’re doing just the right thing!

  4. Ok. I want to add something here. It may not be popular….

    The days of an infant being a BLOB drove me bonkers. But then again- I was constantly making up for lack of sleep at night during the day. Naps became my religion. Truly the first few months sucked for me. Why?
    1. The pace of life changed more than I thought it would. (i went from from juggling grad school/full-time to part-time work to being a SAHM) THAT was a personal cultural shift
    2. My kiddo CRIED ALL THE EFFIN time. All the time! I was ready to jump out the window- but i wanted to fit in my recovery nap. Remember, i was too tired to jump out said window.
    3. I breastfed and my baby was a boob baby through and through. If she wasn’t crying it was because she was my beautiful little leech sucking on me. Every. Waking. Moment. My purpose in life became being a 24 hour restaurant.

    BUT. Life became better when my daughter started doing more…. Rolling over… Sitting… Enjoying solids/eating…. Then CRAWLING! Then standing and now WALKING! I LOVE being a SAHM now that i see the wonder and her excitrment to everything!

    I miss the fast pace of being sans child sometimes. In the beginning when she was 8-9 months old i began applying for jobs with ferocity but now i find myself counting my blessings that i got to witness all her firsts…. All her proud lil moments and she looks at me like “holy cow did i just do that?!” its awesome. I wanted to escape the newborn/infant stage…..

    It gets better. Be patient.

  5. I am SO grateful for your honesty! I had lunch today with my sister (rockstar of a SAHM with 5yr old twins, a 17mo old and a newborn) and a friend who is also a SAHM with a two year old and due any day with a new baby.

    There is a part of me that WANTS to want to have the moments they talk about, taking care of their baby all day long. But the awful truth is, I just don’t. I want to work and I want a baby. I don’t think the two should be mutually exclusive… anyway. What you wrote made me feel much better 🙂

    Love your honesty. xoxo

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