Somehow I always forget…

… that things change. Just because something is or isn’t now doesn’t mean it will always be. Beings (adults and kids and dogs, even) grow and change, so doing something some way now doesn’t always commit me to doing it forever.

One always has the prerogative to change one’s mind, even if one is a child or dog or adult.

… that transitions are really hard for me. I want everything to stay the same as right. this. minute even when this minute completely and totally sucks. I want to hold my breath as though that will defy the gods of change. I want to sit very still and do very little to avoid, well, everything.

… to breathe.  Literally, I find myself taking these little shallow pansy-assed breaths. Nobody can feel good and powerful when taking little pansy-assed breaths.

… to stop thinking. Overthinking is my anti-super power, that one thing that makes up for any super powers I might have. Every darn thing is a big deal with me, something even I find annoying and exhausting.

… that it’s okay for it not to be 100% right or good or working. A little bit better is okay. A little bit worse is okay too, because then you know,

… that ambivalence makes everyone miserable. Pick something and own it, love it, make out with it… until it doesn’t work, and then, you know, change it.

… to be my work self at home. At work I’m confident and decisive and comfortable. Even though I get overwhelmed and lose my shit, I’m able to come down off of it and be soothed. I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m doing the right thing (or the wrong thing, frankly) at work, but I don’t mind if they do (the ultimate paradox). I am the boss of me, thankyouverymuch. Now, to be the boss of me at home…

… to be soothable. It’s so frustrating when my son can’t be soothed, really truly makes me lose my mind. When I can find a way to make him okay, though, I feel like a rock star. I know this, I feel this, I live this… so why won’t I allow myself to be soothed by my husband? I’d feel better and he would get to feel like a rock star. What do I gain by holding out?

Advertisements

One thought on “Somehow I always forget…

  1. I think you are a very wise mama. I do the same thing, not being my work self at home. It’s like I walk in my front door and morph into a different person. Don’t know how to change that :

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s