Reason # 324243098543 that we’re not hiring a nanny

I work from home. (Yes, I know you know this, as much as I complain talk about it.) I don’t do project work from home, though, I do an office job but I happen to be at home. My office is in Seattle.

This is awesome in the mornings when we can start our day somewhat slowly and allow our kid to take his morning nap at home.

Not so awesome on Tuesday nights when I have customer calls going into the evening, my kid is home with a sitter, and my husband is mountain biking. I am hiding out in our bedroom speaking in that awkward quiet voice everyone has because when my kid hears me, he gets pissed that he can’t be with me. Despite my hide-out, I can hear him giving his sweet sitter total hell, continually yelling at her in baby language, YOU’RE NOT MY MAMA.

Hearing him sucks. My blood pressure must be sky high and I’m back to the verge of tears, an awesome place to be while trying to maintain composure on the customer executive review from hell.

Let it be said, I was fully in support of Joey going mountain biking weekly even though his peeps bike on the worst night possible for my schedule. Let it also be noted that Javi gives him almost as much hell as he gives the sitter. Almost. Joey climbed out the window to leave today so Javi wouldn’t have to see him and cry for him yet another time, in fact. (Can’t imagine what the neighbors thought.)

Somehow, in my pretty version of the future where my son would come home and hang out in his space with a Spanish-speaking sitter, I completely forgot I’d be here too. Oy.

Thank gawd we opted out of that for the summer. Turns out you can juggle multiple roles (even if you guilty no matter which you’re in) but trying to physically share space between them can bite me.

Or whatever.

Post script: when my call ended, though my son was asleep, I pulled him out of bed to hold him while I slept. This is where I am now, breathing his scent and lamenting he can’t be my everything every minute, not in real life even if in my heart, then reminding myself I make choices every day, and every day I wake up and choose this.

Even on sucky days, it’s a good life.

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