Slipping back to my old normal

 
I sent this to some friends yesterday:

 

Bright side, I guess: though I’m sitting in the tub crying in annoyance and frustration, in an hour I will feel better. Why? How am I so sure? I forgot to take my happy pill last night and just remembered after spending the morning trying and failing to not be annoyed and pissed at my husband. Look, I’m so thankful that I can take meds and be okay, but really, this is my life? Skip one pill and within half a day, the fog starts to roll in and with it, the pissiness and black moods and horrible angry dark clouds? I know it shouldn’t matter how I’ve found a solution to having a reasonably happy life, but suddenly this is seeming permanent. I can’t go twelve hours med-free without spiraling into that everything-sucks-no-joy place. Sigh.

Much like alcoholics consider themselves recovering indefinitely, it appears my old normal is just a single skipped swallow away from my new normal.

I struggled through the afternoon with a raging drug-withdrawal headache and the evening with an empty, exhausted mind, then went to bed early. This morning, hallelujah, I am back.

I am back!

This is me, after all, this person who finds joy in watching her son chase the cat, hilarity in her husband’s morning dance parties. I am this one, the one that can’t wait to play with Javi when he wakes up and has hope and positivity for the work day.

I am not the one that uses every bit of energy to not snap at everyone around her. That one is a function of something – hormone wackiness, chemical imbalances, DNA family history yadda yadda – but wherever she comes from, she is not me. She cloaks me in her darkness and ugly fog, smothers me with her energy-sapping negativity and hopelessness.

These meds I take, they help me get out from under her, see around her, get beyond her.

Thank. God.

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4 thoughts on “Slipping back to my old normal

  1. I just wanted to say thank you thank you thank for this. I don’t have post Latin depression but your regular run of the mill and I’m starting to realize that the meds could very likely be a permanent part of my life. Thank you for helping me realize that this fact does not make me a freak or damaged it just means I get to be this awesome new me.

  2. Not to say you don’t need pills, but stopping a pill like that “cold turkey” even on accident will freak your body out.

    That’s why the commercials always take the time to see in at a reasonable speed and not in those font size -3 white disclaimers, talk to your doctor before stopping. Your overall mental health is probably not as bad as that little withdraw made you feel.

    You’re doing fine. and just like you take penicillin to cure your body, you take these pills to cure your body.

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