In the past week I’ve spent so many hours – too many hours – compiling my custom planner for the third quarter. In my life, planning is like dieting might be for others. I should do it. Life works better when I do it. I know I should do it, I think as I turn away from my planner in defiance. I don’t do it, the week flies by with little to show for the hours, and my frustration at always being frustrated run so close to the surface I run the risk of telling people to bite me.
So, I compile my own custom planner with the yearly, monthly and weekly planning pages I like plus about half the daily pages I should use (I fall off the wagon regularly) and order from Lulu each quarter. I am both indecisive and picky, a fabulous combination, so I have lost untold hours to this project over the past week.
Finally, finally, I get everything pdf printed to the right page size (of course my pages are standard but I want my planner to be 6 x 9), upload the files (after first finding a freaking ftp client) and then realize, shit, this damn thing is going to cost me $50. For three months. That is insane.
Two days later I’ve done nothing with it. The quarter is almost over and I have been kicking ass because I’ve been using my planner but I can’t bring myself to deal.
This is my life lately. Hours spent moving forward, one might think, only to realize I’m right back where I started – but more frustrated.
My son is sick again and I find myself avoiding blogging because I don’t want to poison the “daycare is awesome” waters for anyone. It is. Sickness is not. I don’t have the answer; I do have loads of mama guilt because my poor kid is sick again despite our best efforts. Maybe a baby social life isn’t worth the germs. But we’ve been through this before, my family and I, you guys and I, and I’m just spinning in circles. Who wants to read that? Not even me.
So I avoid it all.
Work is more of the same. I’m on a sinking ship, it feels, but I’m not yet willing to jump though I can’t even articulate why not. Every day feels like a frustrating stupid struggle and I wonder why I do it, but when I sit down to update my resume, I just… don’t. Can’t explain it. I’m definitely not one to shy away from big changes, but this time I’m just… not. So, spinning in circles there, too.
The bright spot of it all is that being a mama is pretty kick ass. My kid is the awesomest kid ever in the whole world. He is sweet even when he’s sick, hilarious when he’s not, and so silly and quick and bright and happy and fun. I’d write more about that but a) cliché blah blah cliché and b) I’m too busy living life with him to write about it, even when I compose blog posts in my head as I’m rocking him to sleep, posts about how my heart explodes with joy each time he grows up just a little more, how I have been surprised to find I’m not a sentimental mama who wishes her son would freeze right there (no, there, no, there!) because he’s so perfect (I enjoy the moment but the next one is just so good), how my husband and I make a far better parent-team and just-adults-team (a discovery that has blown my mind with it’s amazingness). I write them in my head but lose the words when I sit down to surf. Bummer.
So I’m taking a blogging break. Thoughts about blogging are adding to the pressure I feel to find “the right” child care solution, which is silly. Life is what it is; nobody appointed me the banner carrier for group daycare but myself. I’m fresh out of fresh thoughts other than that, so off I go. We’re traveling to visit my people for Javi’s first birthday (yay!) and then returning to have a second first birthday party here. I’m traveling for work for the first time since having Javi in August, so by the end of summer I will no doubt be back with something to share, but for now, I’m going to give myself permission to check out and hope you all will still be here when I return.
I still love ya.